I grew up comfortable on my own. I had no problem wandering around in the woods behind our house or doing crafts in my room alone. It was natural. I lived pretty far away from my friends and our family didn't have cable tv, so I learned to entertain myself. At school, I was extremely social but I never felt like I needed people when they weren't around.

When I hit high school things started to change.

I don't know what it was, maybe the increased access to people, social media, and easily digestible entertainment? Or maybe it was just that in high school you start to have more problems to work through and you are a hormonal mess? Or even, maybe, I started to grow more and change and no longer knew who I was becoming. Whatever it was, more and more I found myself uncomfortable with my own company and own thoughts and started to notice loneliness and boredom creeping into my moments of peaceful solitude.

For me, solitude and loneliness are very different. Solitude is when you are alone but are contented and supported by yourself and with yourself. It's peaceful and positive, sometimes thoughtful, sometimes meditative, sometimes just a mindless break. Loneliness is insidious. It is when you want to talk to someone but they aren't there. When you need support but none is given. You feel like you can't help yourself mentally or when you are not comfortable with your own self and that breeds a craving for other humans. Like any sort of craving, it feels worse when you can't get it.

I am an introvert by nature and I usually find solitude rejuvenating, especially when I am living at school and am constantly surrounded by friends and social situations. I usually love having nothing pressing to do. I can sit and read or cook or hike or just sit around and think for long amounts of time and feel perfectly content. But for the past six months or so, I've struggled with this obsessive need for human company more than usual. During my semester abroad and weeks of solo travel, I would feel emotionally lonely, separated from my support systems by oceans and time zones, but I was still constantly surrounded by people.

My alone time was limited to sneaking into the back garden at night but I was otherwise physically surrounded by people all day. A conversation or even just a moment of awkward eye contact was always there for me when I needed human interaction; it was an easy band-aid for when I was missing friends at home. But now I'm home and I don't have those band-aids and distractions. A lot of the time all I have is myself to keep company with. I think I have been struggling with enjoying or finding peace and rejuvenation in solitude because I have forgotten how to be comfortable with myself.

Learning this skill is invaluable, because at some point you'll need it, and if you don't have the ability to mentally support yourself on your own, day to day life is going to be twice as hard.

Transitioning into the "adult world" means no longer living in snug pockets of pre-made community where things are manufactured to give you constant social time.

I got a small taste of this going abroad and then, even more, coming home to a town where I have no real social life or group of supportive friends. I loved my job, I finally had time to do all the things I wanted to do like start rock climbing and write more and explore my hometown. But I was constantly anxious and uncomfortable. I kept not doing things or not enjoying things because I every time I pulled my brain out of distractions like TV or driving aimlessly in circles listening to music I got lonely and uncomfortable. I was bored and frustrated and couldn't find a place of contentment while I was by myself. After a week of crying and generally being a self-indulging puddle of sadness, I realized that I was going to have to force myself to learn to cope with my loneliness and find that peaceful solitude I used to enjoy so much.

Learning to be comfortable with myself has been a process. It has involved forcing myself to think about something interesting before scrolling through Instagram or starting to binge mindless sitcoms to cover up the sound of my own thoughts. Instead of avoiding things I love because I feel sad at the thought of not having someone to share the experience with, I am trying to just go do it anyways. Usually, the experience is positive. I'm learning to encourage myself instead of relying on friends to push me to do new things. Instead of being bored with myself, I'm learning how to stay interested and engaged in my own interests and talents. Slowly I'm becoming friends with myself again and becoming my own support while away from my close friends. As I get better at it I feel happier and more content and more proactive.

I still need and value my support systems. I still get lonely, especially if I'm tired or hungry or otherwise already emotionally drained. Humans are not meant to be alone. We are pack creatures. But our default emotion when alone should not be loneliness. We need to be able to spend time comfortable with ourselves in solitude in order to maintain a healthy happy life.