As a woman, have you ever felt it was your job to pleasure a man? Have you ever felt guilty you didn't do what you're responsible for or didn't satisfy their demands? My therapist told me I'm not the only girl to think the way I do. For so long I was incapable of saying the word no. As you can guess, this led to some life altering complications. For some it may seem no accomplishment, but the first time I denied a man sex, I had never felt more proud of myself. In the past, I've pushed myself far beyond my limits too afraid to hurt someone else's feelings by saying no, that all stops now.
It all began with my first ever boyfriend. I wasn't a fan of PDA, yet we were known as the couple that made out in the halls. Why might that be? Because I was taught to satisfy whatever a guy asks for. In fact, when I began to get uncomfortable because we would push past my boundaries, he would throw a fit. I quickly gave into anything he asked for simply to avoid seeing him angry, upset, or unhappy in any way.
Growing up movies were a huge part of my life. Therefore many of my life lessons came from them, including the ideas of consent. Many of the first scenes of sex or even ideas of sex came from the movies my parents enjoyed. The first I can vividly remember was Mr. & Mrs. Smith. This action-packed movie starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie left out the ideas of consent and instead showed seven year old me rough sex. They banged each other against walls, leaving bruises and scars. It was no wonder that my idea of love and sex was skewed as I grew older. Movies made it sexy to force women into sex. Movies made women sexy. Inevitably I believed that women were to be used as a tool for pleasure. I believed I was meant to be used. Sadly sex education didn't teach me any differently. Instead, I simply learned about anatomy. I think if consent was taught in fourth grade when they mentioned sex for the very first time, I would be living a completely different life.
Consent goes beyond sex though. You give your consent to be used in any way. You deserve to give or not give your consent to just spend time with another person. This is something I still struggle to comprehend. "No means no" is a phrase they teach men, but "it's okay to say no" is a phrase they ought to teach women. One of my favorite YouTubers, BestDressed, pointed out the roles women play in movies. Growing up Rom Coms (romantic comedies) were my whole world. Yet, I never really payed attention to the fact that the only time women played the protagonist was in these films. They heightened my idea that women's sole purpose was for romance. Therefore, of course I never thought to say no to a second date simply because I was lucky to have a man considering me as a romantic partner. Not to mention that, but all coming of age movies were about a guy getting the girl. I believed that it was my purpose to be gotten, romantically and sexually.
I am not the only one in society to have the blurred lines of when to say no, where boundaries should lie, and struggles comprehending where to draw the line. To the other men and women who may have battled or are battling to learn these lessons, please know you are not alone.
