"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Throughout the past nineteen years, adults have bombarded my friends and me with various and often conflicting messages on how to build “happy" lives for ourselves.

Abstinence until marriage, no, empowering free love. Adherence to religion, no, focus on individual improvement. Promote veganism, save the animals, no, go crazy on pizza and ice cream with your friends at 2am. Find a partner, no, buy a plane ticket and experience some Eat, Pray, Love self-discovery. Have kids, focus on your career, join yoga, scratch that, cycling burns more calories, book clubs are fun, but so are movie dates- no wonder so many young people lose themselves upon attempting to break into adulthood.

Honestly, what does it even mean to be “happy?" Everyone feels down at times, becomes angry with those we care about, and grows overwhelmed with the nature of our own lives. So the question “are you happy?" seems rather broad and unfair for beings designed to fluctuate between an array of emotions- yet we perpetuate the idea that some people are strictly “happy" with themselves, and if we fall short of maintaining a constant state of bliss, we are doing something wrong, or worse, we are wrong. PSA: emotions are blurred. Growth is eternal. State of mind is fluid. Most of the time, reality is utterly unglamorous.

Madison Holleran possessed the qualities of a classic teen trifecta- her grades reflected her intelligence, she dominated both the soccer field and the track, and her appearance glowed with undeniable beauty. These early successes earned her the opportunity to run track for the University of Pennsylvania, a prestigious title Maddy could not refuse.

For ambitious students, getting accepted to a highly ranked institution serves as both a reward for high school success and a new challenge to be conquered. Many high schoolers lack the experience to accurately visualize the intense reality of attending a prestigious university.

Although her friends and family valued Maddy's loving character for its intangible nature, she herself fell into the same unfulfilling trap as many other high achieving young adults. Maddy based her identity on her successes- the metals from track and academic markings determined her self worth. Consequently, when she transitioned from the small world of her local high school to the sea of valedictorians, All-State athletes, and natural beauties that defines an ivy league school, she completely lost her sense of self.

Ever since beauty corporations began sponsoring magazine covers, eventually extending to online platforms, individuals have struggled to conceptualize the reality behind these seemingly perfect images. After spending hours upon hours with professional makeup and hair artists, trained photographers capture models in carefully angled lighting, using artistic vision and experience to make them look as beautiful as possible (certainly not candid). Editors then choose the best picture from an entire film and use photoshop to smooth curves, sharpen jawlines, and slim waists to the point where many models have trouble recognizes themselves in their own photography.

Like most young adults, Maddy actively updated her social media platforms, most notably Instagram, where she used various filters and editing tools to portray her world exactly how she pleased to her friends. Pictures of herself showcased her radiant smile, and those of her surroundings highlighted beauty- instead of sharing original, unedited photos, Maddy displayed idealized versions of her imperfect reality. This small, digital percentage of Maddy's life filtered out the whirlpool of thoughts that eventually drowned her.

Supermodel Cindy Crawford famously said, “I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford," proving the point that even the models in magazines don't naturally resemble their acclaimed shots. Since the popularization of social media and at-home editing apps like facetune, the unattainable girl on the front page of Vogue turned into your best friend, the pitcher on the school softball team, or possibly your Spanish partner. Physical perfection is no longer exclusive to boujee magazine covers, and instead manifests itself in the online profiles of those we encounter daily.

Social media allows young girls to portray a filtered version of themselves which others idealize, wishing their own lives reflected those of their picture perfect friends. In reality, however, these glamorous depictions cease to exist. The models in magazines don't look like the models in magazines. Social media stars don't live the lives of social media stars.

On January 17, 2014, Madison Holleran jumped to her death from a nine story parking garage, leaving a baby picture of herself and gifts for her family at the top. Due to the fact that she landed on the street (located multiple feet from the structure), police hypothesize that she hurdled the rail on the roof, much like she jumped hurdles during her track career.

Adults often say teenagers believe they know everything, but I have to disagree- I often become overwhelmed with the vast amount of knowledge and experience I have yet to encounter. As unsatisfying as it may be, I don't know what could have saved Maddy's precious life. I don't know how to comfort my friends when they break down in a panic about the uncertainty of their futures. I seem to lack any useful answers, and unfortunately, so does everyone else.

Maddy's Instagram, which remains untouched to this day, displays “Matthew 17:20" in the bio. Maybe the smallest increments of faith, in whatever you believe in or desire for yourself, really do have the ability to move mountains. Although I can't be certain, I'd like to believe that no goals are unachievable- for me, you, Maddy, and others trying to find themselves in this confusing era.

Faith as small as a mustard seed. Who knew?