During the month of June I decided that I was going to try something different; I was going to post a confession for every day of that month on Facebook. Some of them would be confessions about things that I fear and crave, some would be embarrassing stories, and some would be admissions of what I dislike about myself. It was a personal pursuit to see if I could follow through with something for a full month as well as a test to see how truthful I could actually be. I figured if I put who I really, truly was out there for the world to see then there would be no going back and pretending that I'm something else. Although my mission was a personal one, the feedback I got quickly made me realize that this was an unexpected social experiment. Here are a few things I learned/noticed while sharing my stories as well as a list of the 30 confessions that I shared.

The first thing I noticed was how easy it was to post embarrassing stories online until someone approached me in real life and mentioned it. It's so easy to forget that there are real people on the other side of the computer. We're living in an age where we communicate through messengers or become friends with someone online, but we don't speak to them in real life. It's like living a dual life; I see the same face on my friends list as in real life, but I only talk to one of them. It was jarring to have people that I barely knew at work telling me how funny it was that I rented porn on my mom's account. It brought a whole new level of "realness" to my confessions-- the realization that real people were reading them.

I also noticed how difficult it was to continue to post honest confessions, because after I received an overwhelming amount of positive feedback I felt like I had an audience that I had to appease. I didn't set out to gain attention or provide entertainment, but to an extent that's what it became. While I remained honest in my confessions, I was very careful with my choice of words and phrasing; it's clear when I was trying to be funny. It was difficult to ignore the number of likes I was getting on certain posts, and it made it difficult to post something that was a real confession that I knew wouldn't be popular. I ended up feeling stupid for admitting the things that didn't get as much feedback. I felt like I had to be funny, or that I owed those who were watching something. I decided to post several confessions on the final day because I didn't want to leave on a dull note.

I found it incredibly interesting how invested everyone else seemed to be in my stories. My experience with conversing with others has shown me that no one really cares what you have to say. For the most part, people just ask how you're doing because it's polite, and then they want to move on to talking about themselves. The fact that some people were waiting on a daily basis for my confessions was alarming. Most of my stories weren't interesting or spectacular; they're just everyday stories. What made the confessions intriguing was the element of honesty, which is really sad if you think about it. Shouldn't we all be open and honest? In theater we are always reminded that actors try too hard to be interesting, and that natural human behavior is far more interesting than a planned out, false action. I guess that's similar to how most of us are living on a day to day basis... We're just trying too hard to be interesting.

My favorite part of this "experiment" was when other people reached out to me, not to try to console me (although a few did), but to tell me their stories. I've had several conversations with people that I never talk to because of the things I put out there. I had two or three people tell me their stories of making blackout drunk mistakes and how they knew how I felt. One girl offered an interesting solution to help me deal with my insecurities, and now I'm considering putting myself out there in another way by making plans for a boudoir shoot. In a sense, some of these people, just by talking to me or leaving a simple comment, have helped heal me. For a moment we were all connected in our flaws and mistakes. There's something refreshing about getting a group of people who can look at the world and say, "Yeah, I fucked up. I know what it feels like, and it's OK to recognize my flaws. I don't have to pretend to be perfect all the time. I don't have to pretend that this part of me doesn't exist."

People keep telling me that I'm brave, and that they'd never be able to confess the things that I did. Well, there's a fine line between bravery and recklessness, and I've always struggled with determining where that line lies. This is one risk that paid off. People were much more understanding than I anticipated them to be. I'm not brave, but we shouldn't be afraid to be human.

Confession #1: One time I walked into Kroger drunk & hungry. I went straight to the freezer section, opened a bag of popcorn chicken, and began eating it as I walked to the checkout line.... that is not the only time I've eaten frozen popcorn chicken. Like Count: 56

Confession #2: At the end of every night at Family Video a summary prints out, which includes documentation of everything the employees have rented... I rented porn under my mom's account so my coworkers wouldn't know.Like Count: 58

Confession #3: On more than one occasion I have woken up in the middle of the night & peed in an empty water bottle, because I was too lazy/tired to travel downstairs in the dark to the bathroom... Yeah, it's possible, even for a girl.Like Count: 44

Confession #4: Shortly after my brother got his first car, I accidentally scraped the side when I hurriedly backed out of the driveway. I've been letting everyone think a stranger hit his car in the parking lot... Sorry bro, it was me.Like Count: 43

Confession #5: Obviously, I dye my hair frequently; this can cause problems when sleeping at someone else's home... Instead of informing anyone that I've stained their pillows with my hair dye, I just flip the pillow over & hope they never notice.... oops.Like Count: 43

Confession #6: You know how sometimes when you can't hear what someone said, you just laugh instead of asking them to repeat themselves? Well, that happened when someone told me their brother had cancer... I laughed at someone for having cancer.Like Count: 38

Confession #7: I love garlic... like, to the point where I've begun eating whole roasted cloves by themselves, which not only gives me horrible breath but also makes me painfully gassy for the entire day... I'll never learn.Like Count: 35

Confession #8: For years, along with my legs and armpits, I used to shave my arms, stomach, and lower back, because in 6th grade someone asked if they could measure my unibrow and someone else said I looked like a monkey because of my arms... I'm still insecure about how dark my body hair is...Like Count: 26

Confession #9: When I was little I had a cat named Meeko. I wanted to test if cats really do always land on their feet, so I held him over the railing to the stairway and dropped him. Somehow he managed to walk on air and jump and claw at my brother's face... I haven't owned a cat since.Like Count: 30

Confession #10: I have, on numerous occasions, texted/messaged an ex (or several) in an attempt to flirt with them to be/become/remain "the one that got away"...Like Count: 34

Confession #11: I have really smelly feet. For instance, one time I was trying on clothes in a dressing room, four rooms away from the entrance, & when I left I saw the employee spray the whole area & specifically my room with Febreze... she could smell my feet from four rooms away :(Like Count: 22

Confession #12: I have definitely deleted people for posting statuses using the phrase "I seen," even though one post was about the last time they SAW someone before he/she died... & I'm not sorry- Bye Felicia!Like Count: 34

Confession #13: Since 8th grade I've been in serious long-term relationships, so whenever I see that someone else in my class has gotten engaged, a large part of me hopes that their marriage will fail, so I don't feel so bad for not finding someone. I keep telling myself I'm being responsible, but I fear that I'll never get married, because the older I get, the fewer sacrifices I seem to be willing to make.Like Count 41

Confession #14: A few summers ago I invited a few people over to hang out and drink. I woke up the next morning without pants on next to a guy I had no feelings/attraction for. I didn't freak out too much because I still had my underwear on and I have a habit of taking my pants off when I drink. However, when I went to the bathroom I noticed that my underwear was on backwards... I remember nothing, and I still don't know what happened. I've never told anyone, because I feel stupid and assumed everyone would just call me easy... All I feel is shame, so I've been denying that night ever happened.Like Count: 41

Confession #15: I have a terrible sense of humor. Two examples:
1. It was the anniversary of my friend's dog's death & rather than saying something to console her, I said, "Well at least he can't die again this year."
2. I used to eat a tub of popcorn every shift at work, and my health nut coworker mentioned his surprise about how I'm not fat. I looked him dead in the face and said, "The trick is you just throw up after eating it all."Like Count: 53

Confession #16: I always get tattoo fever whenever a relationship ends. Part of it is an attempt to "reinvent" or discover myself alone, but another part of it is that I like the physical reminder that my body is healing and after the pain goes away I'll be left with something that is just for me- technically a scar, but a beautiful one that empowers me rather than defeats me.Like Count 60

Confession #17: NOTICE: I didn't want to precede any confessions with an explanation or disclaimer, but I am very uncomfortable with this one. Just be warned that it is personal and sexual in nature, so family members may want to skip this one.. I started masturbating at a very young age, and I had no clue what I was doing-- specifically, I didn't know that your body produced certain liquids after what I later learned was an orgasm... I used to bargain with God that if he would stop ruining my underwear I would stop doing the thing that made me feel good. I had no clue the two things were related; I just thought he was punishing me...

Bonus confession: I once masturbated "to completion" in a courtroom while a trial was in session... Like Count: 37

Confession #18: I really, really don't like old people. They give me anxiety, and I've had several old people make me cry at customer service jobs... One night I volunteered to stay the night and watch over an old lady, because she had fallen recently. She gave me death eyes the whole night, and eventually, if she started stirring I would pretend to be asleep to avoid her... Like Count: 22

Confession #19: Being an outdoorsy girl, I'm used to peeing outside and typically don't give it much thought. One night, out with friends, I peed in the dugout of a baseball field & it led to me (& a few others) streaking around the bases in a victory lap.Like Count: 44

Confession #20: A few months ago I watched a movie where the characters found drawings on the back of hotel paintings... I may have ripped open the back of hotel room picture looking for secret drawings when I was drunk. Not my proudest moment, especially because I was the oldest one in the room that night.Like Count: 28

Confession #21: Being an introvert, customer service can be particularly difficult, so one day I took a few shots before I went to work at Maurice's... I got a lot of compliments from my boss about how outgoing and personable I was being that night. Apparently I'm better with alcohol.Like Count: 50

Confession #22: I'm convinced that the government sends out robots disguised as insects, primarily flies, to spy on the population. Too many times I have come across a fly that hasn't been scared of me, and we just stare at each other. Big Brother exists folks...Like Count: 33

Confession #23: In my 8th grade reading class we needed to choose and read a biography and then give a presentation dressed as that person. I chose Harriet Tubman and was super excited to go all out in my presentation... Guys... I did black-face... and arms... and legs.
If only I knew then what I know now; I can't imagine the look on my teacher's face when I walked into class all painted up.Like Count: 44

Confession #24: I originally got a VS card because they sell my favorite perfume, but now I can't stop buying lingerie that I never wear. In order to feel like my money hasn't gone to waste, I occasionally retry every piece on and analyze myself/my body to see what I need to work on.Like Count: 28

Confession #25: Whenever mom would tell my brother & I to clean our rooms as kids I would offer to play a game with my brother: whoever picks up the most toys the fastest wins... Somehow I always lost ;) Oh the benefits of being the eldest child! Like Count: 40

Confession #26: I have a hard time saying "I love you". I can't remember the last time I told my mom I loved her-- it's been even longer since I have told her sober. Also, I had to force myself to tell my great-grandma that I loved her when I knew she was dying. Even though I knew it was the last time I was seeing her, something deep inside me told me it was wrong to say it... I guess I tend to remove myself from affection, which explains why I'm not a touchy-feely person--- hugs are the worst in most situations.Like Count: 36

Confession #27: Honestly, I can't wait till the month is over so I can be done with trying to come up with confessions... A month is a lot harder/longer than I thought it would be!Like Count: 36

Confession #27.5 (for all you whiners out there): Most of the time that I make popcorn at home I am only doing so so I can lick the bag... My family now saves the popcorn bags so I can rip them into pieces and lick them clean... What can I say, I really like salt.Like Count: 40

Confession #28: I downloaded Tinder as a self-esteem booster... I just swipe right on everyone (sometimes even girls) so I can see how many matches I get. I've probably uninstalled & reinstalled Tinder 5 times in the past year.Like Count: 30

Confession #29: I've always wanted to be Asian, because I think Asian girls are super pretty. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'll always be a boring white girl.... but now I really want an Asian baby-- like, reeeeally want my future babies to be Asian. Looks like adoption is in my future... or therapy lol Like Count: 24

Confession #30- Lightening Round:
I own all 32 Nancy Drew computer games, and still spend hours playing them.
I'm over $6,000 in credit card debt-- contemplating never graduating college so I can avoid adding that debt to the list.

I was knowingly "the other woman" for awhile (with an ex), and I didn't feel bad because I felt like he never stopped being mine.

My first experience with drugs was with shrooms, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to view the world as beautiful as I did that night.

I unfairly judge those who grew up privileged, even if they don't deserve it.

I can't play games with people, because I'm an incredibly sore loser. I get overemotional and angry if I'm not the best at everything... I think most days I just sort of hate myself, but I can't tell. Like Count: 41