Of all the times I've apologized to someone in the past week, too few of the things I've apologized for are actually things I should be sorry about. I've made a habit of apologizing for anything that could inconvenience anyone else. I've said sorry for passing someone walking slower than I was in a narrow hallway and for taking too long to swipe my card when paying for a meal. If I spoke too softly on the phone, or lost my train of thought mid sentence, I'd apologize. In my mind, the people whom I affect have been disrespected, because I have wasted their time or hurt their feelings and so I should apologize. I know my constant apology to the world isn't the healthiest habit to have, but what's far worse is the way it affects my work and school.
I caught myself apologizing for caring.
Picture it; your standard get-to-know-you assignment in a general education, public speaking class. Several questions that were designed to get us more comfortable in a group and talking for one or two minutes. Except I cared a little bit more than my peers, a little bit "too much". I spoke for around five minutes and I shared more about my dreams than I normally would in a room full of relative strangers. I was vulnerable, honest and passionate. It was liberating: I felt as though I had relieved a weight off of my chest and I was being honest with the world for once.
Then, I apologized.
The words "I'm sorry" slipped from my lips after my professor briefly acknowledged my extra extensive length I took when completing the assignment. I was sorry that I had wasted time that I wasn't allotted. I was sorry that I had done more than the rest of the class, because I feared it might shame them for doing less. I was sorry that I had opened up with honesty, because maybe it made my classmates uncomfortable. I was sorry that I had dreams for my future and I was sorry for the confidence that I was good enough to get there.
I tried too late to pinch my lips closed around the words, but they were out there, and it took all of my energy to keep from apologizing, for apologizing.
Throughout the rest of the week I noticed the other places I apologized without need. I apologized to my friends for caring about different things, I apologized for being different, for being unsure, for being sure, and for changing my mind. I was apologizing for the very things that make me human, relatable, and real. I was focusing too much on what the rest of the world thought and wanted, and not enough time on what I wanted, what I thought.
So I'm choosing to change.
I am choosing to bite my tongue when I fear I've inconvenienced someone, and I'm allowing myself the freedom and the right to be different. I am embracing the parts of me that I want to embody in my future. I am forgiving myself for all the ways I have hidden my passions from society, and I am encouraging myself to speak as long and as eloquently as I please about the things I care most about.
I know better than to apologize now.
I am strong, powerful, and unique. I am different, successful, and unsteady. Most importantly, I have the right to be these things fearlessly, honestly, and fully. If that makes anyone else uncomfortable, it is not my responsibility to comfort them, and that's okay.
