As someone who has lots- and I mean lots of experience in this field, let me just start off by saying that no one wants a face-to-face breakup. Sitting down and discussing why things went south is probably the least desirable activity ever. You know why it didn't work out; they know why it didn't work out; it just didn't work out. Instead of having a painstakingly long, drawn out conversation there are much more convenient ways to end a relationship. Here are some highly effective ways to break up with someone without having to sit them down and tell them that you just don't like them anymore.
1. Train a flock of doves to carry a scroll of paper to your soon to be ex-significant other with the words "I doth not wanteth to seeth thee anym're" written on it in calligraphy.
The calligraphy is a nice touch I think. It says "I care" but not "I care too much".
(Just so everyone is aware, there is an English to Shakespearean translator website online. The internet is an amazing place.)
2. Write "(Name), I'm breaking up with you" in the sky with an airplane.
Short and straight to the point so there's no room for interpretation. She/he will be flattered that you took the time and effort to rent an airplane and learn how to fly it in order to creatively deliver this message.
3. Pack up all their things in compressible vacuum seal storage bags and mail them to their house
With a bow on top. It's all about presentation.
4. Have a singing telegram delivered to them.
Preferably to their place of work or one of their classrooms. "Bye Bye Bye" by *NSYNC is my personal recommendation but there's also the more straightforward option of "This Is Me Breaking Up With You" by Kesha. You really can never go wrong with Kesha.
5. Send them this video with no explanation and hope that they understand the message you are trying to convey.
6. Flee
Leave the country immediately and change your name so no one can track you down.
7. Become a shut-in
Lock all your doors, close your shutters and never leave your house.
8. Write them a tiny letter so they can't actually read the reasons why you no longer want to be together
9. Email them a link to create an online dating profile.
As the subject of the email simply write, "thought this might be of interest to you"
10. Pretend you already broke up with them and they just don't remember
Send them a text message that says, "I'm so happy we've still been able to remain friends after everything that we talked about."
Good luck and godspeed everyone.
