Nobody gets into a relationship expecting to be abused. No one gets into a relationship expecting to be broken down into a million pieces. Nobody gets into a relationship to to have all of their flaws and imperfections magnified by a thousand. Nobody gets in to a relationship to make their life worse.
Yet somehow when it happens, theres a million reasons to leave and only one to stay. When it happens to you there is no neon sign flashing "Danger get out now!" Defeat and victory have this in common: you don't know how far you have gone until you turn back around and see where you have been.
Every bump in the road, every struggle, every fight, every drop of sweat and every trail of tears has led to the moment you realized what has happened to you is wrong. You wake up one day and realize you were a victim and that nothing you did was going to save you, the only thing that would have saved you was to give up. Let go. Walk away. However, giving up meant hurting the person you were fighting for, you couldn't do that to them. You couldn't be the one to disappoint them and break their heart, never mind the shattered pieces your own was in.
When I met him I was not even close to smitten. I thought maybe we would be friends since I wasn't attracted to him. The fact that he unloaded all of his baggage on me so soon was the first of many warning signs I would be too ignorant to realize. I thought "maybe I should run for it" but then the big hearted fool I was realized that wasn't fair to him. He had already been through so much. How could I be another person who would judge him and hurt him like that? As time went on I became more and more attracted to him. He showed me attention, he complimented me for things no one else had ever noticed or paid attention to before.
I was so happy to be in a relationship with someone I respected and thought was such a great person. I introduced him to my family and friends, he began sleeping at my house four nights a week and we began to form what I thought was a team. Then when I was devoted, he changed.
It was little things at first, getting annoyed with things I did, showing less interest, not letting me get to know him in the good ways. Overnight he went from being sweet and smiling to grumpy, brooding and only showing me aggression. The very first time he made me cry he told me I was being a child and that I needed to grow up because he had warned me "The only emotion you will probably see is aggression." so that made it ok.
That became more apparent. He stopped showing me affection altogether, only kissing me hello and goodbye. He wouldn't hold my hand, he wouldn't hold me when we fell asleep, he wouldn't cuddle with me on the couch, he wouldn't show affection period. When I told him this bothered me he laughed at me. Told me I was ridiculous. I told myself, I didn't really like too much affection anyway.
After withholding affection and physical contact, he not only stopped being sweet and kind to me, he began pointing out everything I did wrong, everything he didn't like and ripping me apart for it. I fought back but then I would back down and try to make peace with him. The more I spoke up the more disdain he had for me. I would try to be affectionate and he would literally push me away from him.
This person sleeping in my bed was rejecting me every time. I told myself, it was because of my neediness and to stop being such weirdo.
When I would put my foot down and wanted to work on things, he responded by not responding. He would ignore me for hours and days on end. It made me feel like I was wrong, like I was being ridiculous and dramatic and a child. He took every opportunity to tell me how childish and dramatic I was, so it had to be true.
How could I expect him to love and protect me if I was such a pain?
One morning I was feeling really playful and tried to goof around with him. What started out as playful affection turned into being held down in my own bed with him on top of me pinning me down by my wrists until there were black and blues from his fingers. Each time he started to fall asleep, I would try to get free and he would tighten his grip. He wouldn't let me up and he wouldn't get off. I was rejected and physically restrained in my own home. He thought it was funny as hell.
Then one day I had enough. He had snapped at me for the last time. I gathered his things dropped them off and told him if things didn't change it wouldn't work out. He ignored me. When he finally responded he made it out to be all my fault. I believed him. Yet just like every other time we fought he made me believe he wanted to work things out. Things finally ended. He said the nastiest things anyone could say to another person. Weeks and months and eventually years would go by where I moved on and he would randomly try to draw me back into his life. Until I finally asked him never to contact me anymore. For the first time, he respected my wishes.
So in the end I gave everything I had to someone that didn't like me, didn't respect me, didn't understand me and didn't have the capability to show me the affection that I needed even if he did. He liked that I trusted him with my heart, my home, my truck, my family, my friends and my bed but gave me nothing in return.
It took meeting someone who genuinely treated me well to realize everything I put up with was bullshit. It took hearing over and over from many different people (including loved ones) to accept that what I had been through was emotional abuse.
How was I in that relationship? How could that happen to ME of all people? Well you just read how. I knew he was capable of showing me affection and treating me the way I wanted. The harder I tried to make it work the further he pulled away but always kept me on the back burner.
For the six months he was in my life I lived everyday fighting a battle I had no chance of winning. Every time I tried to make things better, or make him happy, I failed. And he let me know it. And I believed every word. It can happen to you, just like it happened to me and countless others. Its not because you are weak its because you have a heart.
I will never speak to him again, I will never ask for an apology, I will never forgive him. I don't carry hate in my heart for him, I care nothing at all for him now. Hating him is more of my energy that he doesn't deserve. Despite the hell he put me through, I learned that what I want is not unrealistic. It is only too much to ask of the wrong person. The right person comes along and proves it is effortless to love you.
Emotional abuse is still abuse. All abuse is bad. You don't deserve that. Walk away. Save yourself. You survived without them once you can do it again.
