bi·sex·u·al
ˌbīˈsekSH(əw)əl/
noun: bisexual; plural noun: bisexuals
- a person who is sexually attracted to two genders on the gender identification spectrum (most commonly boy and girl).
I first noticed it in grade school when I found myself looking at a girl in my class and thinking, "she's so pretty and cool and athletic. I wish I were a boy so I could be her boyfriend." But there was also a boy that I liked, so i found myself rather distraught; did i want to be a boy and date this girl, or stay a girl to date this boy? And what if I didn't like them after a while? Would I be allowed to switch back?
When I got to be in middle school I was terrified to tell anyone that I thought some girls were cute. They would think I was gay and not like me. I was so sure that I was only "allowed" to like one kind of person; a boy or a girl. I went back and forth in my head and thought, "Am I broken? Am I being desperate? Surely no one else understands."
But then I found someone who did.
And then another.
Two girl's I was good friends with at the time came out as something called "Bisexual" together, as a couple. I had no idea what that meant. Bisexual? Two sexuals? Was that like having both kinds of genitals?? And then they explained it.
"It just means we like both boys and girls! We're gay but also straight." (Middle school logic am I right?)
A weight was off of my shoulders. I found other people who were like me! This was normal! I wasn't broken!! I thought everything was going to get better.
But I was wrong.
I was so excited to let everyone know. I like girls and boys, and that's NORMAL! But no one else seemed to think so. From the 8th grade until my junior year of high school, I got called a lot of nasty things, and accused of being things I wasn't.
"That's not a thing"
"You're gay, you just don't want to totally come out yet"
"You can't like both, you HAVE to pick one!"
"You just want an excuse to be a slut"
"You're trying to steal my boyfriend/girlfriend from me!"
"So you're into threesomes? Can I watch you makeout with my girlfriend?"
"You're just an entitled white girl ally who wants to be included in the LGBTQA rights movement"
"If you're dating a guy then you can't be part of the LGBTQA community because you aren't gay or trans"
And that was just the tip of the iceberg. God knows the amount of names and slurs that were spat at me as I went to class every week. Even people who were in the LGBTQA community shunned me, and members of the thespian troop I was a part of in high school often shouted "BREEDER!! BREEDER!! SHE'S A BREEDER!!" And all I could do was awkwardly laugh and shuffle away to cry alone. I was an outsider. No one wanted me. I felt isolated.
My mom kind of knew that I liked girls, but I hadn't come out to her until my second year of high school. I was afraid of what she would think of me. And I was terrified of telling my father, who was raised in a strong Catholic home and had settled new roots with a different church. I actually thought that I would end up being one of those kids that got kicked out of the house after they came out to their parents. But after an unfortunate accident with inappropriate texts exchanged with my secret girlfriend, I was forced to come clean. To other kids that have had their privacy violated and been forced to come out when they weren't ready, I feel with you. It is one of the most exposing, spirit crushing feelings in the world. You don't have your speech ready. You don't know how to explain it to them. Your chest feels like there's a boulder sitting on it and you can't breathe through all the tears stuck in your throat. But thankfully for me, even though I received one of the harshest groundings of my life, telling them the truth took the weight off of my shoulders again. My dad is still learning to deal with the fact I'm romantically attracted to women, but my mom supports me in everything I do, lest it jeopardize my safety. That's the only time she goes from best friend to full momma-bear mode.
After a good portion into my junior year, I gradually became more comfortable with who I was and who I liked. Yes, those insults still sting today, but now I've grown strong enough to brush them off my shoulders myself. And I'm happy to be able to say I am 100% open and comfortable with my sexuality. I don't have to hide in the closet anymore, because I have found a safe space where I can be myself, and love myself. And I know that I am blessed to have been given this, because I know many teens and young adults who must hide who they are just to stay safe or even stay alive. They stay hidden away as an act of self preservation.
To all my queer brothers and sisters who still aren't completely out of the closet to everyone, or can't come out at all; I love you. You are beautiful and strong. You are not broken. You are not abnormal. You are not inherently sinful or damned. You can make it. You WILL make it. I believe in you, and I love you.
Don't give up. It really does get better. Stay safe, angels.
