Jerry Seinfeld is endangering America’s comedy heroes. Throughout the past seven seasons of Seinfeld’s web series (don’t be impressed by the number of seasons; some of them were only five episodes long), "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," we’ve witnessed Seinfeld drive antique cars through the bustling streets of New York City with beloved comedy legends in tow, comedy legends such as Stephen Colbert, Tina Fey, Steve Harvey, and Carl Reiner.
Not only does he drive America’s heroes around in precariously-maintained automobiles that could only be described by uptight mothers as "death traps," but he also does so while holding deep and humorous conversations. Each time Seinfeld turns and swerves down New York City’s bustling and dangerous roads, I cringe, wondering if it will be the last time I see the face of Louis C.K. or Julia-Louis Dreyfus.
I have not checked this fact, but I must assume that Seinfeld’s driving skills have not been officially tested since the late '60s. Were there even official driver's exams at that time? I imagine in that decade, driver's licenses could be purchased, much like a Chipotle or Olive Garden gift card. They were probably sitting in a stack at the DMV and given to anyone who had a credit card or 20 dollar bill.
Each car that Seinfeld chooses to escort his guest in is some sort of metaphor for that person. For example, he chose a 1970 Mercedes for Alec Baldwin because it ages so gracefully. He chose a 1971 Ferrari Daytona for Amy Schumer because it’s brassy and unafraid to say what’s on its mind. But what is a good metaphor for impending fatality?
When Seinfeld finally (and miraculously) reaches his destination, we are afforded a relaxed moment where he and his companion sip lattes and eat sandwiches. While it is certainly a treat to watch Larry David eat a pancake— maybe even an honor— is it worth the possible tragedy that may ensue?
At the restaurant, the viewer is subjected to calming music and cute clips of coffee being brewed and poured. It creates a calming atmosphere for the fans to enjoy comic small talk. It distracts the viewer from the inevitable anxiety that will attack when Seinfeld must drive his guest back to his/her home, doubling the risk for chaos.
It is time for us to band together and demand that this reckless series is taken out back and shot. I imagine we would all rather that this web series was killed than one of our comedy legends. It cannot be ignored that Billy Murray will likely appear on an upcoming season, and I for one will not be able to live with myself if we passively allow Jerry Seinfeld to drive him into a river or a cappuccino machine. So please sign a petition (I haven’t created a specific petition yet; it would be great if someone would step up). If we get one million signatures I bet something will have to happen (because of democracy).
