As I enter into my senior year of college, I am approaching my final stage of entry-level adulthood. Soon my metamorphosis into a full-time working, pant-suit wearing, 401K-investing, briefcase-carrying soccer mom will be complete. However, as I sign away my responsibilities on my tuition checks, I always wonder: what exactly does this cover? Will Intro to Moldovan Economics actually provide me with a stable career? Is this why I can only afford to live off of ramen and a Brita filter? After an intense ten minute quest through past transactions, I have ferreted out the truth. Here is a completely accurate* compilation of what your university doesn't tell you about the charges on your tuition bills.

* Or, you know, I made these up completely.

$5,429 -- Classes you’re taking even though you’re probably sleeping through that 8am all semester.

$100 -- Your punishment for taking that one class required for your major that’s only offered online.

$223.77 -- Chemistry textbook your professor made you buy even though all the notes are on Blackboard.

-$6 -- Amount you’ll get back for that chemistry textbook.

$100 -- A non-refundable deposit for becoming a student because you’re borrowing nearly $100,000 over the next four years anyway, so what’s another $100? It’s fine! Everything’s fine!

$850 -- “Activity fee” charged for you staying in your dorm/apartment all weekend binge-watching Parks & Recreation rather than going to the gym.

$120.55 -- University fee. Your fee to be at a school you chose. Makes perfect sense!

$25 -- Fee for you to never get a spot to study in the library.

$1,522 -- Swipes you’ll never use up because you live two miles from main campus and the only source of food near your dorm closes at 7pm on a Friday. Guess you’re getting Chipotle.

$300 -- Dining dollars that lasted less than a month, courtesy of Starbucks.

$50 -- Your charge to help pay for the new building you’ll probably never have a class in.

$35 -- Dorm damage fee because you hung up your One Direction poster with thumbtacks instead of tape.

$75 -- Language lab fee. You take Latin. There is no lab. So sorry. Unavoidable. Just pretend.

$1.25 -- How much you pay for a bag of Cheetos in the vending machine.

$0.50 -- The amount that bag of Cheetos you got out of the vending machine is actually worth.

$40 -- Technology fee even though your parents bought you a $1,200 laptop.

$35.22 -- Wi-Fi without an ample amount of bandwidth to support over 30,000 students. You’re not writing that paper anyway; you’re scrolling through Tumblr.

$503.97 -- Parking fee. Your punishment for commuting.

$96.74 -- Ibuprofen from student health.

$1.25/load -- A laundry training fee because your mom is two hours away.

$9 -- We gave you channels like HBO and Starz but the cable is probably going to be out 98 percent of the time.

$43 -- Fee for the movie showings for that film class your adviser made you take even though you watch all the movies illegally online.

$5 -- lol.

$23.64 -- We saw you stealing food you already paid for from the dining hall.

$20 -- We know you’re going to lose your ID at some point.

$0.08/page -- Capitalizing on your desperate need to print that paper you wrote this morning.

$130 -- New Student Orientation fee. Do you really think that “free” backpack was actually free?

$89.93 -- Summer reading book you didn’t read.

$250 -- Non-refundable deposit in case you break the furniture in your dorm that hasn’t been replaced since 1972.

$4,227.12 -- The price of walking in on your roommate and her boyfriend making out every day for the next nine months.