College is stressful enough without the pressure of keeping up with news and politics. But seeing as we're all expected to vote in the upcoming presidential election, it is important to know something about the people spending billions of dollars to become the next leader of our country. Therefore, I present to you a concise and comical guide to the tributes reaped to compete in the 2016 Hunger Games: American Political Edition.
The Democrats
Hillary Clinton:
Known For: Those pantsuits, the damn emails.Nomination Likelihood: Hella good.
Pros: Would be the first woman president, very experienced.
Cons: Bill Clinton, low on the already skewed scale of political trustworthiness.
"In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits." --on the role her husband would play in her administration
Bernie Sanders:
Known For: Being a Vermonter, crazy hair.
Nomination Likelihood: Unlikely, but not impossible.
Pros: Vermonters rock, not a super sleazy politician.
Cons: A little too radical, perhaps.
"If you ask me about my views on the environment, on women's rights, on gay rights, I am liberal. I don't have a problem with that at all. Some of my best friends are liberals."
Martin O’Malley:
Known For: Being the good-looking candidate.Nomination Likelihood: Probs not.
Pros: Not Clinton or Sanders, seems like a nice, Irish guy.
Cons: Not enough star power (aka money); is former mayor of Baltimore.
"If we want better results, we have to make better choices."
The Republicans
Donald Trump:
Known For: Firing people; being a rich jerk.
Nomination Likelihood: Same as pigs flying.
Pros: Ummmmm....
Cons: Everything.
“I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Carly Fiorina:
Known For: Being former CEO of HP.
Nomination Likelihood: Again, probs not.
Pros: Strong debate presence, fierce.
Cons: No real political experience.
“It is the hypocrisy of liberals that enrages me the most.”
Ben Carson:
Known For: Being a brain surgeon, being soft-spoken.Nomination Likelihood: A solid maybe.
Pros: Hella chill, has street cred for "violent" youth.
Cons: No political experience (like at all).
“I think most people, when they finish that course, they’d be ready to go sign up for ISIS.” -on the new AP U.S. History curriculum
Jeb Bush:
Known For: Being the brother of George W. Bush.Nomination Likelihood: As good as his brother's paintings.
Pros: Like Bob the Builder, he can fix it...sort of.
Cons: Another Bush, too "low energy."
"So 40 years ago I smoked marijuana, and I admit it. I'm sure that other people might have done it and may not want to say it in front of 25 million people. My mom's not happy that I just did."
Marco Rubio:
Known For: Being a second generation Cuban-American.
Nomination Likelihood: I would bet some money on this guy.
Pros: Moderate on immigration reform.
Cons: From Florida.
"We live in a society obsessed with public opinion. But leadership has never been about popularity."
The Other Guys:
People like Chris Christie, Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee and a few other old white men weakly trying to gain the Republican Nomination. One by one they will waste thousands of dollars and then drop out.
Hopefully, this little summary of the candidates has given you enough insight so that you can accurately joke around with your pretentious political friends about the presidential race. Because lets face it politics has become less about the issues and more about the money and other crap, so we might as well get a laugh out of it. And remember only one will succeed and become America's Next Top Leader.
