Everybody has insecurities, I know that, but that doesn’t stop me from finding something wrong with myself. Everybody deals with their insecurities in different ways. For me, I would -and still do- make jokes about the things I don’t like. If I can laugh about it, then maybe it won’t be so bad if other people do too. I’ve survived my low self-confidence with more positivity than most. I have been lucky enough to find friends that can uplift me and make feel better. I also have a supportive family that constantly says they are proud of my accomplishments or how beautiful I am. But no matter what, I cannot stop thinking what I might look from the perspective of an outsider.
Enter college, where I’m learning to look past my own securities. It’s taught me a lot about them. I’m not paying as much attention to them because I’m too busy putting my attention at my blossoming self-confidence, all thanks to college.
You learn to open up when you are absolutely alone.
I’ve been an introvert since I was little. People at church would say how I was always in my big sister’s shadow, how I never spoke for myself. I was too nice to people that weren’t nice to me, purely because I wanted to be liked. I wanted to fit in. I am happy being an introvert, I’m okay with being shy - it’s just how I was made to function. I always thought my low self-confidence stemmed from being so shy. I was extremely envious (and still am) of the girls that can start a conversation in an instant and are so outgoing in such a friendly, approachable way. I’ve worked to seem approachable, but no one really wants to talk to the shy girl.
However, at college I’m alone. All my best friends from home went off to different colleges and I was by myself nearly four hours away from family. I had to be more outgoing in order to make friends. I would say just from the six months I’ve been at school that I have made best friends and so many improvements on being outgoing. I’m getting better at starting conversations, putting myself out there with guys and making the first moves with things.
My impressions of other people were faltering the impressions of myself.
"Stop comparing yourself to other girls" is something I habitually would tell myself. I had to let that go. That was, and still is, the number one cause of my low self-confidence. At 11:11, I would wish I could be as skinny as the women I see walking runways. My body image is something I know I will always struggle with. That’s why I’m an advocate for anti-body shaming; I’m still working on finding a place where I’ll be happy with my weight. I’ve never struggled with an eating disorder, but I have looked up procedures for weight-loss surgery. Just the other day in class, I saw my reflection in the window and cringed. But I’m done. I’m done comparing myself to other people, because in college there’s thousands of people all shapes and sizes. Heck, I probably won’t ever see most of those people again, anyway. Not having my best friends in college has pushed me to be more outgoing and stop being the nervous, shy girl with social anxiety.
Acknowledging it is helping it
I remember middle school, when we were forced to raise our hand in health class if you had high self-esteem. I would, even though I knew it was a lie. Pretending always made me feel better. In college, we had to step forward into a circle if anything our RA said applied to us. I stepped forward for low self-confidence. That was one of the only times I admitted it to other people - and myself.
I was so worried about the impressions I was making on other people that I never saw the impression I was making on myself. And when I realized it - not too long ago, actually - I realized it wasn’t healthy. This isn’t just a goodbye letter to my low self-confidence, this is a thank you letter to college for helping me discover the confident, beautiful girl I know I am and for teaching me to embrace her. Because everything I’m doing in my life right now, I’m doing it for me. And that feels kind of…freeing.
