This past weekend, I went home to see my family and pick up my little sister, who was gonna stay with me for the week. As always, when I come home, I go to visit my grandfather.
I have a good relationship with all of my grandparents, and the best part about having two dads and a mom is the amount of grandparents I have. However, it's not a secret that my maternal grandfather and I have a really close and special relationship that doesn't really compare to any other relationship I have in my life. He is one of my best friends, and I have his handwriting tattooed on my body.
We were talking about where my career and my life are going to take me this weekend, and whether he noticed or not, I started tearing up. When I think about my future, it's really difficult, because I know where I'm going and what it takes to get there, but there's so much I have to do. So much I want to do. And I don't want to do it without him.
It sounds morbid, but more and more frequently I've been terrified of death. Maybe it's because I'm away at college, and my anxiety makes it so I think of all the terrible things that can happen, but it's all I can think about. I worry about my pets dying, my dad, my mom, and my grandpa. Especially my grandpa.
Don't get me wrong, he's a very healthy man, and there's a small chance he'll be insulted that I worry about him dying so much, but I do. I find myself crying by myself a lot because I don't want to have a future if he's not going to be around to see me.
I worry every time I get on the bus to go back to Boston will be the last time I've gotten to hear him say he loves me, or tell him I love him, or have him hug me. I worry that I will have children and he won't be there to hold them. I worry that when I graduate from college, he will not be in the audience cheering for me (because he knows exactly how badly I want to give up sometimes.)
I know I have to live for each moment. I am grateful that I get to spend any time with him at all, because so many don't. I just wish that time wasn't limited. So, Grandpa, when you read this, know I love you, and know that we have so much more to do and see together. I can't wait for the next adventure.
