A couple months ago I wrote an article about the atrocious things that college kids wear, but I neglected to mention half of the college population… men. Men, too, wear some really weird things, but I think it’s less noticed because most straight males don’t care about fashion nearly as much as females do. And furthermore, most straight guys don’t actually care if what they are wearing looks like sh*t. But just in case any of you single guys out there are looking to step up their wardrobe because you don’t have a girlfriend to help you out, this one’s for you: a comprehensive list of things not to wear. (Note: the following list can be applied to men of all ages).
Class Attire
1. Khaki shorts with high socks boat shoes (or Nike sandals)
You know the outfit I’m talking about—we’ve all seen it, at the very least, on the entire boys’ lacrosse team. In case you can’t picture it, here’s a visual for you:
Photo Credit: Twitter of @Laramie
Why? Why does anyone think this is a good idea? You can wear the shorts, and you can wear the socks, and you can wear the boat shoes/Nike sandals, but you simply CANNOT wear all three at once. If you really like the khaki shorts, try an ensemble like this:
Photo credit: Lookastic.com
Click here to get breakdown on this outfit. I know, I know, most guys probably aren’t on board with wearing a tie to class, but you should be.
2. Pastel Polo Shirts
Photo credit: Stylebistro.com
See Kourtney’s disgusted face in the background? Granted Kourtney’s face usually looks kind of disgusted, but I doubt Scott’s shirt was helping in this particular instance. And the funny thing is Scott actually looks kind of hot in this…but only because he’s the gloriously sculpted, tanned, and svelte Lord Disick. Since most men do not look like this, most men should not try to imitate his style. I’d estimate that probably 85 percent of men look bad in pastel-colored anything, but polo shirts are the worst. If you’re trying to give off the “I’m both sensitive and self-confident” vibe, don’t do it by wearing pink—try buying your girl some flowers or something.
3. Too-Long Shorts
Dear lord I can’t even describe to you how much I hate the way this looks. Super long shorts make a tall man look like he’s wearing capris, and a short man look like he bought shorts in the men’s department when everyone knows he should still he shopping in the kids’ department. Seriously, guys, it’s not that hard to figure out if your shorts reach below your knees—if they do, burn them. Give them to your taller older brother. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T WEAR THEM.
Photo Credit: Quora.com
I actually laughed out loud when I saw this picture on Quora.com because I immediately thought of this short guy I went to high school with whose shorts always looked like this. But I digress. Chances are you don’t actually own any faded out denim shorts like this (at least I hope you don’t) but this should give you a pretty good idea about what I mean by hem length.
Party Attire
1. Hawaiian shirts
Photo Credit: Totalfratmove.com
So, Total Frat Move has an entire article dedicated to this. In fact, it’s titled “An Ode To The Hawaiian Shirt.” It says that the Hawaiian shirt says two things: “I’m here to have a good time,” and “I don’t give a f***.” Well, I can’t exactly argue with that, because that’s exactly what it does…but it’s not a good thing! You look stupid. Unless the party you’re going to has a luau theme, don’t wear one of these. I used to date this guy who wore Hawaiian shirts not only to parties, but also to nice dinners. Incidentally, he also listened to a lot of Bob Marley and smoked a lot of pot. Needless to say, it didn’t last. Most girls don’t want to end up with a guy who’s scraping pennies together to try and move to Colorado, and if they do, they probably don’t care that you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt. If you’re trying to attract the right kind of girl, you gotta wear the right kind of clothes.
Note: this also applies to tie-dye shirts.
2. Deep V-Necks/Button-Down Shirts With Too Many Buttons Undone
Photo Credit: Jackthreads.com Photo Credit: Zappos.com
Seriously, we do not want to see your man cleavage or your chest hair peeking out of your shirt. So if you’re wearing a really deep V-neck…take it off and put something else on. If you’re wearing a button-down shirt, unbutton no more than the first two buttons, or wear an undershirt with it (note: a round-neck undershirt).
I’m going to extend this article now and talk about two hairstyles guys have been trying to pull off in the last year or so, because it needs to end.
1. Fake man bun/rattail things
You know what I mean. We’ve all seen it, the guy with really short hair on the sides and long hair on the top that he proceeds to slick back into a little loop that looks like a Japanese sumo wrestler’s. Seriously, if you don’t have gorgeous chin-length locks, don’t try for a man bun. It’s not meant to be, and faking it is no better than a guy wearing a toupee.
Photo Credit (left): Twitter of @PeterJamesKelly
Photo Credit (right): Traveledadventures.org
2. THIS:
Photo Credit: Instagram of Braid Barbers
MAKE IT STOP. This haircut is so intense. Way too intense. And while sometimes (not often) a select few guys can pull off a less extreme version of this haircut, I’ve seen a ton of guys who can’t pull it off decide to get it anyway. It’s just as Ralph Lauren says: ”Fashion is over quickly but style remains the same.” If you want to have good style, going out and getting the latest haircut won’t make you well dressed—and very likely it won’t actually look good on you.
So there you have it gentleman, a handy dandy guide for what not to wear.
