What Is Coffee Addiction?

Coffee addiction is a dire problem among Westerners today. The most affected demographic is the 15- to 30-year-old American white girl. The epidemic is spreading among American cities and even rural areas, as coffee has become more and more available among the general population. In fact, this addiction is promoted by big businesses such as Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, or Tim Horton’s, and even grocery stores sell the legal drug in bulk amounts. While the problem continues to grow, and the government continues to ignore it, we as a people must take a stand and stop this horrible disease.

Side Effects

• Feeling on top of the world and then crashing as the high wears off and tired sets in
• Inability to sleep for up to 48 hours and then falling into a caffeine induced coma for potentially months
• Emotional ups and downs
• Fits of hysteria and confusion that cause you, a door or others bodily harm
• Running into people
• Awkward eye contact

How Do We Know?

Coffee addiction is so rampant; we tend to see it everyday. The typical addict wears Ugg boots, leggings, and NorthFace jackets with big scarves. They tend to have their hair in a messy bun and take endless selfies with their smartphone promoting and making light of their debilitating addiction. These aren’t the only addicts though. Addicts are now taking on a new form, be it the overworked businessman or underappreciated housewife. The addiction is also spreading among the hipster population as the 'organic' market explodes. Addicts tend to find ways to the local coffee shop to meet their dealer, who in the seedy underworld of coffee addiction is known as a barista. An addict may say they have to 'go pick up something at the store' or ‘do homework’ or even ‘meet some friends.' Addicts may actually purposely procrastinate to find excuses to indulge in this behavior. Some even go to great lengths, (especially the more academic crowd) making up poetry clubs as an excuse to get ahold of this drug. Just remember, loving them or supporting them is the only way to stop this downward cycle.

What Is Coffee?

Coffee comes from the coffee bean, found in Latin America, Southeast Asia, and Africa. Coffee beans are ground up and mixed with water and sometimes milk, sugar and creamer. Coffee has taken on new forms as of late, coming with different caffeine amounts, mixing with fun flavors such as caramel and chocolate to appeal to the younger generation, and even in frozen concoctions that look like milkshakes or smoothies. This is what gives coffee its appeal, the fun look, the sleek cup, the prestige. Addicts even feel cultured, drinking the dubious ‘organic’ coffee, buying fair trade to feel like their helping something or taking a sip of international brews. Sadly, they have been duped in a marketing scam that has consumed the lives of many victims and caused families heartache and pain.

How To Help End the Madness

• Contact your local politician to ask for anti-coffee legislation
• Protest local sellers
• Support your local detox center or volunteer as a local coffee counselor
• Talk to your family about the dangers of coffee addiction
• Steal coffee bean imports and dump them in the ocean while dressed as Native Americans
• Write down 95 reasons why coffee consumption is wrong and nail the list to Starbucks headquarters
• Make a sign that says “God Hates Coffee,” then find some ignorant citizens with no shame and march around major coffee business headquarters, annoying everyone you come into contact with
• Publicly burn K-cups while chanting things like “Make love, not coffee,” “Peppermint Mocha today, dead tomorrow,” and “One, two, three, we are down with coffee."