DISCLAIMER: This article includes abusive behaviors that I have experienced, which may be a bit disturbing, or "triggering" to others. Read at your own discretion.
A coercive relationship is defined (by google) as; Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive, or coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former, or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual, or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. I didn't really know about coercive relationships, in all honesty; I didn't even know that it was a form of abuse when I was merely 18. Yet I thought I knew everything. And I thought that I had really gotten lucky when I had scored my first ever date, with a boy, who liked me!
It was my senior year of high school and he was a freshman at the nearest college. He was only a few months older than me, but being in college it made me seem like he was much older, much more knowing than I was. I, being from a small town, wasn't one of the cute girls that every guy fawned over, I had a few weird phases through grade school and since most of the guys saw me at my no-so-proudest-moments. They tended to shy away from date night with me.
But since I met this guy on Tinder (sorry mom!), He didn't know about that, and he was so much more different than any guy I had ever met before. He took the time to talk to me, He seemed kind. And he actually found me attractive (which was a first for me.... only kidding). So soon after getting in touch and talking enough. We set a date, an actual one, where we would go to the movies and have dinner.
Fast forward to the date, It was innocent at first; and only a little bit awkward. He opened doors for me, paid for everything, it was everything I dreamed of. At first. When he came home and had the dreaded meeting of the parents. Already he had an arm draped around me, which I thought was nice, but a bit inappropriate. I mean it was just after our first date, and already he was so close to me. But then I was thinking "Man, this guy must really like me!"
After he talked with my parents, they went to bed, and we (basically) had the whole downstairs to ourselves. I was really tired at the time, and not to seem mean, but I wanted him to leave so that I could go to bed. Yet every time I dropped a hint about it being late and that I had something important the next day (I didn't), he wasn't getting it. Instead, he wanted to touch me inappropriately. Which was a very new experience for me. I didn't want to say no, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to say yes, though.
In the end, he left early in the morning the next day, and I was left confused, and kind of ecstatic. I hastily planned a date with a friend of mine for later that day so we could indulge in comfort food, and divulge in what had happened the night before. She had told me this was normal, and that perhaps he was just showing how besotted he was with me already. Naively I agreed with her and decided to keep it optimistic even though I was still unsure if everything that going on was right.
Throughout our relationship, he claimed that he was all about me and my needs and wants. He always said that he would go my pace and that he would stop if he was doing anything that made me uncomfortable. And at first he honored my wishes, but after a certain point in our relationship, he stopped. I never really understood why. But it was around the same time he started to talk about his temper to me.
He told me that he had a wicked temper and that if anyone had dared cross him, the world may as well burst into flames. Of course, that made me a little nervous. But hey, I hadn't made him angry so far, what makes me think that he was gonna get mad at me now. Little did I know that conversation would change the way I acted around him for the rest of our relationship.
Every time he would talk about our future (or near future for him), I just went along with it because I was afraid to disagree. Every time he touched me in a more intimate way that I would like (especially in public, which he would do often), I would try to ignore it because I felt like if I tried to combat him, that he would make a scene.
Personally, I had never felt so subdued in my entire life. But he felt just fine and dandy, He didn't seem like anything was wrong, but that was because he was in control. I didn't even realize he was for the longest time. But he was coercing me into practically being his property. At one point he didn't want me to go to AMDA, and that was when I began to wake up and realize that this man, scratch that, this boy didn't have my best interests at heart.
So, I summoned all the courage I could muster and I broke it off with him. Sure it was difficult, and he had somehow sneaked by my house to drop off a strongly worded, and highly offensive letter, so I got the cops involved. It was all very unreal, and almost maddening because I had been by myself most of the day before I moved out to New York, and the thought of him knowing where I lived and knowing (from what I had told him before we ended it) that I was home alone most days frightened me. Like, he could come down the driveway at any moment and what in the world would I do?
Needless to say, when I moved into college, it was a welcomed change. Orientation was fun and quickly I was making friends. We had a seminar (one of many) that was about sexual harassment and things that went along with it. It was then and only then I started to make connections, I was thinking to myself; "Man, my boyfriend used to do the same thing..... Shit, he used to do the same thing."
That was when I realized just how bad, and potentially harmful my first relationship really was. That was also when I learned that I could find someone who does have my best interests at heart and who will treat me the way a young lady deserves to be treated. It also taught me that speaking up is crucial in getting out of a situation like that. I was very lucky that my experience wasn't terrible because it very well could have developed into that.
When something bad happens, you have three choices; You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.
I chose to let it strengthen me.... what will you choose?
