You know the feeling when every plan you had just crumbles at your feet? The life you thought you wanted and had, just keeps working against you and you just can't make the pieces fit together? Well that's me right now. I have planned with someone for the rest of my life; Until my hair turns gray and I can play bingo in my rocking chair. I have taken on responsibilities that only further someone else's future, and now I'm here — in this place between what-the-fuck and I-still-don't-know. This place sucks. This place is like the middle of the tunnel, you can't see where you've started or the light at the end. I am just wandering around hoping I don't hit my face against the walls or stumble hard enough to fall. But I'm still moving forward, there's honor in that right?
There's safety in continuing to push, right? I put my all into someone who isn't where I am. I don't hate him, the only ill feelings I have are the ones that come with being alone. We are co-parents. What the hell is a co-parent anyway? Weren't we co-parents before?
Co- together; joint or jointly; indicating partnership or equality.
We both had equal say. We both cared for our child. We both have our "give a shit" turned to high. But I still don't understand, all of a sudden we go from just parents to "co-parents". Co-parenting is bullshit. Read the articles on it; They're all going to say something different. Some will say make clear guidelines because it's good for your child to have stability. which I think is true. Other articles will say to allow your child to go on adventures with the other parent unexpectedly because it's good for them to know that they have both parents all the time, which I also agree with. Co-parenting isn't black and white; There are going to be emotions, good and bad. There are schedules and work, tired and faking smiles involved. Where's that in your Pinterest articles moms? So here I'm just going to list my own rules on co-parenting.
1. Cry:
Just cry, both of you. Just cry. This is hard, you miss your kid, you miss the way things should've been. Surely you didn't plan for this. Acknowledge that, it's important. Your kids shouldn't be afraid of emotions — and that includes yours.
2. Take Time Apart:
As much as it is good for your child to see you together, you as a person need time to process.
3. Don't be late:
It just makes things harder for those around you, and it's not fair for your child to sense your "co-parent" negative emotions.
4. Handle your responsibilities:
If your plan is not 50/50 time, to the minute, the second or even the millisecond, someone will end up with more time with your child. So buy the diapers, make sure your child is taken care of even when it isn't your day. Send pictures to their other parent because they still want to be a part of these memories.
5. Stop calling it co-parenting:
Just call it parenting. You've always been "co"-parents, so just shut up with the made-up terms.
6. Spend time with everyone together:
When the dust settles and you have had time to process, put your big girl panties and big boy boxers on, eat popcorn and watch movies together.
7. Don't split holidays:
As a child of divorce, nothing is more traumatic than having to try and split time so no one feels left out. Choose different days like the Sunday before a holiday and then the actual holiday, go to both.
8. Never put your child in the middle of your struggles:
They are not your voice, they do not need to choose sides. You are damaging them with selfishness, so please get over yourself and pick up the damn phone. Stop avoiding it, momma didn't raise a wimp.
9. This is awkward for everyone:
I asked my child's father in the only way I have known for the past five years of the relationship to ask for things. "Babe, can you please grab her shoes?" Babe, oops. . .force of habit, but don't think I didn't kick myself the rest of the day for saying it. Just imagine my horror when he didn't even hear what I asked for after the word "babe," forcing me to repeat myself. Thanks for that. No one warned me of that part.
10. There is no instruction manual:
None. Read all you want to and you'll just find out more bologna. Whatever works for you and is the least detrimental is what you have to do.
11. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
We still care. We still want you to be a good parent, so if things get to be too much, reach out. Just accept that it's hard.
12. They notice:
Kids are beyond smart. They pay attention and they notice small details. My child asked me where my ring went, she asked me why her daddy isn't there to tuck her in, and I have to be honest while shielding her from the shit that comes with adult life. No name-calling, it's petty and I hope you're better than that.
Sometimes things fall apart and fall back together, and sometimes things just fall apart and you leave the mess because it's too much to clean up; Sometimes there is no mess and that's the problem, there is no right way. There is no "right way" to make the tough decisions. There is no play-by-play, no pause and rewind, so all we can do is walk through the dark tunnel together and hope we don't hit the wall. But the term "co-parenting" is bullshit.
