With all the drama surrounding this year's White House Correspondent's Dinner and the blossoming controversy of "fake news," I've compiled a list of do's and don'ts for the White House press corps to follow in the new administration. Take it from me, an extremely credible news source and not at all a college student who's idea of a balanced breakfast is a hearty plate of nachos. For best results: enjoy this political satire with a grain of salt.
1. Praise our dear leader
There is typically a notable comedian hosting the event, which turns into a sort of "roast" of the current administration. The President himself usually delivers a comedic, and often self-deprecating speech. Although, I don't think Trump's speechwriters know how to formulate jokes out of their doomsday rhetoric, and at the risk of sending the President into a rage that can only be soothed by signing an executive order that bans all women, who aren't at least a six at best, from entering the country: only report praise and hold off on the roast, unless it's of Trump steaks.
2. After party cancellations? FAKE NEWS!
Since the event has come to be known as "nerd prom" it sticks with the traditional prom format in that the best part usually comes after the main event. However, this year Bloomberg and Vanity Fair have nixed their A-list after parties; probably because they are failing media outlets run by liberal snowflakes and not at all because of Trump's constant hostility toward the press (and the truth) paired with the fact that virtually no major celebrities have shown him support. Consider the pre-game off as well, the People/Time pre-party is a no go this year, and The New Yorker has also canceled theirs.
3. Dumped by Trump
The event lost so much of its glamour that even the President himself declined to attend. Also, I would not want to be in that inevitably awkward atmosphere of Trump attempting to deliver a joke to a room of silent journalists who's careers he's repeatedly insulted. Don't look too upset, it looks as though President Obama is going to be there! Not in person of course, but listening via wire tap he installed in the White House with the help of James Comey.
4. Treat it like a TMZ event
CNN is bringing actual journalism students? Where are all the celebs? Paparazzi will chase the starved and sleepless grad students down the grey carpet (aka the sidewalk) and shout "who are you wearing?" only to have the students respond: "uhhhh TJ Maxx?" Affordable is in. Plus, without the glamorous after parties and guests of honor the event is just a dinner celebrating journalistic excellence. Boring. Bad T.V. Why read the articles they commemorate when you can just fangirl over Karlie Kloss strutting down the West Wing in Gucci?
5. The truth is overrated
Will Kellyanne Conway get her own category? "Spin Doctor of the Year," "Lady Liability," "Best in Alternative Facts". The award will be presented, of course, after a moment of silence for the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre. Rachel Maddow will be awarded with "Most-Hyped Introduction" for those tax returns. Bob Woodward will be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for his chance to strike.
Or you could just skip the dinner and watch Southside With You instead.
