When I walk into work, I usually envision my shift going by quickly and quietly. I know this isn't going to happen because I work in a Halloween store during a time when there are scary clowns coming out of the woodwork like there's some nightmare convention they suddenly have to be at.
Now, let me clarify: I'm not talking about the current presidential candidates. What I'm referring to are all these clown sightings people are reporting. I'm aware there was a sighting in San Marcos, TX, home of my alma mater, but that doesn't surprise me. When you're 20 minutes away from Keep Austin Weird, you're basically asking for it.
Back to my story. So, when I get to work this past week, my dread for being there gets even worse when my co-worker decides to share with me that an abnormally large amount of people have been coming in and asking where our clown costumes and masks are. And she says it like we're talking about the weather, without a trace of concern or surprise. Which concerns me. Is she one of these clowns? Should I trust her? I already shared some of my Cheez-Its with her. Instant regret.
As she fills me in on our recent customer base, I can't help but feel a little stressed. I hate clowns, even Homey the Clown ones, so to hear that almost every person who has walked through our doors has asked to see our clown supply has me calling my doctor to up my anti-anxiety prescription. Like, I don't have time for this.
I'm sorry but the last time I checked, I don't work in a circus uniform surplus store. It's literally the first week of October. Y'all need to chill. I get it's a free country and all, but I don't get paid enough to help bring your dark, twisted fantasy of becoming a complete stranger's worst nightmare (and possibly send them to therapy) come to life. Like, that's kinda rude tbh. My work t-shirt may say "Come as you are, leave as who you'd like to be," but you're not Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger, or Jared Leto so sit yo a** down.
Halloween always makes you wonder about certain people, but I feel like this year is going to basically be the Purge. When I, a sort-of adult who has more patience in her pinky finger than in her entire body, am too scared to go trick-or-treating, you know there's an issue. Do we really need to make 2016 any worse? I know it's all fun and games now, but once this election is over, all we're going to have left is each other.
All I'm saying is I'm too pretty to die. If anyone needs me, I'm going to be holed up in my room, eating my mom's supply of Halloween candy (then lying when she asks if I ate it), watching The Social Network, because clowns whose intent to scare you sh*tless and make you question the possibility of getting away with murder are a Hell of a lot scarier than backstabbing best friends, in my opinion.
Happy very early Halloween, everyone. May God be with you all. *siren sounds*
