Pun intended.
Being in the closet is a scary place, but it can also be comforting. When you first realize that you have feelings for someone of the same gender, you go so far into the closet you may as well be in Narnia. Sadly, that is the most comforting place to be when you realize you have big choices to make, and even bigger fears to face. I came out four years ago, and it is time to clean out my closet, along with all of the past pain and memories I dare to keep there.
When I was 13, I discovered I had feelings for a straight girl, and she ripped me to pieces. She used me, abused me, and that all in some sick way made me feel loved. I adored the fights she picked because I was getting attention from it. I loved being made fun of because even if the flirting was to hurt me, I could pretend it wasn't. It wasn't healthy, but it was my life for about two years. This was the first time I realized the term "Crush" was literal. In the back of my mind, I was stuck in a place of, "This is a phase." I was so fixed on it that I didn't notice it wasn't puberty making a huge joke of my life, it was a real thing that I had to deal with. I didn't know how to, and I didn't exactly want to either. I knew the risks of telling anyone, I was raised in a church that would condemn me to Hell themselves if they ever knew. She was my first straight girl crush, but not the one that made me realize what these feelings were...
My Sophomore year of High School, I met the girl with the bright blue hair. She immediately captured my heart, and I had never been more in love. She wasn't straight, but she was straight enough to be within my comfort zone: Unattainable. I knew I couldn't have her, but the playful remarks and tight hugs were enough to make me feel things without commitment. I didn't have to be out and with a girl to feel like I was with one; it was safe. I spent so much time hiding in that little Pillow Fort of comfort, with my own personal Gandalf saying "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" protecting my feelings, I barely noticed the girl with the blue-green eyes that was smiling at me across the room. She had dropped subtle hints, but I ignored them, telling her things to push her off. I didn't want to let myself develop feelings for her when I had the girl with the blue hair to occupy my thoughts. She was safe, the girl with the eyes was not. There could be potential to fall in love there, and I wasn't ready for that, I would never be ready for that. No, I wanted to stay tangled in my bright blue safety net.
That is... Until she kissed me...
I didn't know for one moment that that would be the end of all safety. I didn't realize what was happening until I was running down the stairs with a sprained ankle and a paralyzing fear that I had gone and done what I never wanted to... I let myself feel.
You know those signs you see, "Do not follow into construction zones?" Well. I followed into the construction zone and I had to get out... So... I did the one thing I wish I never would have. I broke her heart. I had to, to save mine. I told her I didn't want to be with her, and that was a lie but I couldn't let her believe that. To this day, she is the one person who has ever been straight with me, and I let her go, for the comfort of not letting my feelings show.
That was the first mistake of many in my coming out process, but it all leads to one boring ending. I survived. I didn't die when I told my parents their one and only child was a big old mess of feels. I didn't die when my friends found out. I didn't die when I dated my first girlfriend. I did the opposite. I lived. My early teenage years were spent living a life of fear and anger, which wasn't a life worth living at all. I began to live a life that I was proud of, one that I was happy to be living. It's not any easier being gay than it is to be straight. It is just as big of a struggle, dating life is crappy and loving isn't easy. But just like any other relationship, each one brings a new plate to the table, and just because my tablecloth is rainbow, doesn't change the way the food tastes. I am human, and I am happy.
I guess, in reality, the only thing that needed to come out of my closet?
Was me.
