Imagine this:
You wake up in the morning unwilling to open your eyes. Unwilling to move. The moment you make the slightest movement your reality will set in; your pain will set in. Every morning as you sit up on the edge of your bed pain wraps it's claws around you like a bird catching it's prey. It burns and stabs your body as your vision goes blurry from sensory overload. You try to move, but all you can do is moan. The frustration sets in as you realize that eventually you must push through this pain because it will never leave.
This pain haunts your every thought, your every second, your every movement. This is not your typical ache or pain, but the type of unimaginable pain that only occurs with catastrophe or a chronic condition. Your pain is caused by the latter.
Moving through your day, all you want to do is scream and cry. Meltdowns like this do occur, but they are always in the privacy of your home rather than in the light of day. You would rather hold it together in public and lose yourself when you are alone because hiding the pain is more important than letting it overtake you.
Every day you put a smile on your face, and push through your discomfort. You go out with friends, you laugh, you cry, and you act like a functional human being. Some days you may feel like this too. Some days you get lucky with pain at around a 2-4, but others it may hover at a 6-8. Lately your condition has been causing the latter.
Regardless of your pain level, this smile, this "I am okay" face is just a facade. You are not okay. Every day the pain worsens, and every day you dread the next. The fear of handicap placards, wheelchairs, and high dosage opiates are often at the front-most of your brain as you worry about your future. As you sit in class you day dream about your future. You imagine becoming a doctor and having a family. The truth is that this scenario is highly unlikely. Your condition has stolen so many opportunities from you, and sometimes you worry about how much more it you can take. You worry about not being able to have kids. You worry about not being able to complete your schooling. You worry about your life falling to pieces as doctors laugh in your face.
Daily routines become laughable as your life falls to pieces with chronic pain, but you fight it. Every day is an uphill battle, but so far every day has been a victory. If you are breathing right now, you are winning. Remember this as you continue your fight.
To the people living out this scenario, you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of others fighting the same battle every day. These people form a community of chronic pain patients that is both welcoming and encouraging. This network of patients will not only be by your side on the good days, but they will help you up when you fall. I encourage any of you living in chronic pain to join these support groups and find the help you need because you should not fight alone.
To those of you reading this who do not have a chronic pain condition, I hope this gave you a glimpse into the mind of those of us suffering every day. September is chronic pain awareness month, and with the support and understanding of all of you reading this we could raise enough awareness to improve quality of life for those of us with chronic illnesses. This extra awareness could lead to better educated doctors and more understanding family and friends. All you have to do is be understanding towards those with disabilities and help share stories like myself.
Finally, to my chronic illness, thank you for changing my outlook on life. I now see every day as a difficulty, but also as a beautiful thing. You have taught me how quickly things can change and how to appreciate the small things in life. I hate you for everything you have put me through and how much you will steal from me in the days to come, but thank you for making me the person I am today.
Good luck to those of you living with chronic pain, and happy chronic pain awareness month!
