"You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering." -Ernest Hemingway

See the thing is it is so much easier to just be quiet than to spend the time explaining it all, which often leads to my most used lie... "I'm fine." It sounds a lot better than "I am broken" or " I am about to go insane" and does not need quite the explanation.

Chronic illness causes me to lie to everyone, including the ones I love the most on a daily basis. Half the time I do not even mean to, it has just become a habit that was formed out of fear.

I started lying simply because I did not want to explain everything that was going on, honestly I did not know how to. However it has turned into me going to great measures just so no one will know and I will not have to explain my situation.

I lie because it is easier than trying to make people understand that I live with what feels like a body that no longer belongs to me. I tell you I feel okay, because I can guarantee, you will be a tad bit scared if I listed every little thing that is going wrong with me. The symptoms are never ending and so are the medications.

I lie at school and work because I never want to be given the easy way out or given a lighter load than others. Just last week I cut my hospital bracelet off after a brain scan with my keys on the way to work because I did not want to have to call off, but more importantly I did not want to have to explain.

I lie because I don't want you to look at me differently. I do not want you to see me as fragile. I am strong, even though physically I may not be. I do not want you to pity me.

I lie to my friends because I am so afraid they will get annoyed and eventually give up on me. I know they are so much better than that but the fear still manages to creep in. So I fight through hanging out even if in the end it makes things worse for me. I know they are willing to work with me, but honestly even a movie night in can be exhausting. I do not want them to ever think I use it as an excuse so I try to just not use it at all. I don't want them to think that I don't ever feel up for anything and stop asking me to do things all together. I love them and I love hanging out them, it has been my saving grace so many times and I hope they know that.

I lie because the majority of the time I feel guilty for even saying anything bad about my health because I know that things can always be worse. It is a tough spot to be in, my health controls so many aspects of my life right now and I cannot do anything about it but at the same time I see myself as being blessed.

I lie because I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I had to medically withdrawal form practically my whole freshman year of college; after my third surgery within 18 months I simply could not pull through school. I am embarrassed that I am not capable of the same things I once was. I am embarrassed that it has slowly become obvious that I do not have anything together and am trying to pick up the pieces to get back to a "normal" life.

I lie about the affects that physical illness has taken on me mentally. It is such a taboo topic anyways. I do not want to explain to people that I became clinically depressed (oops, now you know). So much life happened in a short amount of time, I honestly just did not know how to handle it and I feel ashamed of that. I think it happens to the best of us though. I think the breaking point for me was constantly seeing doctors and specialists weekly for three years yet still not one of them has given me an answer and been able to help me. I have received little diagnoses along the way, but they all agree there is still something that has not been accounted for. Even with more specialists than I can count they cannot figure me out, but they all agree that something is definitely not right. It is a frustration that I do not know how to explain.

I lie to myself. I start to convince myself that it is all in my head, until I am reminded that it is not possible by certain things that I cannot ignore.

I lie because it is easier.

I do not want to lie anymore, so I am in way over my head and this is me admitting it.

But still, I'm "fine". Really.