"Are you thinking of changing your major?"
These are the words my family doctor asked me (with no enticement) when I told her I was struggling with anxiety and depression. I struggled with this in my own head for months. I was praying for God to take it away. I was trying to grow closer to Him because maybe if I were a "better Christian" it would disappear. I had feelings I didn't understand yet couldn't control. I was too ashamed to reach out to even my closest friends and family, fearing what they would think, and besides what were they going to do if I told them?
I thought about getting help several times but it always came back to the same insecurities. "People might think differently of me, what if they think I just want attention?" "There isn't really a reason I feel this way so that must mean it's in my head" and the most challenging one, "Everyone will question my Christianity and not take me seriously." Until one day, I was sick and tired of feeling depressed and anxious all the time. I was tired of saying, "I'm good, how are you?" when all I could think in my head was, "I am NOT good, and I am NOT fine!" That day I made an appointment with my family doctor because I just didn't know where else to go.
That is when my doctor asked if I was thinking about changing majors. The first thing I thought was, "Well, I wasn't but I am now." As not only a Christian but also a Christian Ministries major, I was scared and ashamed to tell anyone that I was struggling with this. And after struggling with it for months, my doctor was the only person I had told, so this comment did not sit well with me. I questioned my Christianity, I questioned whether I was pursuing the right major, and I questioned whether or not I should even be trying to get help for this. So I got a prescription for medication and I went home.
As I was driving home, I thought, "Wait a second, since when does struggling with depression mean I don't have a good relationship with the Lord? Why does struggling with depression mean I can't be in ministry and help others?" And I thought,"This is why some people are scared to come to Christ. There is this stigma around Christianity that says we have to have it all together to come to Christ and we must not have struggled to be a good Christian. Well, bull hockey! You know how I know that is not true? In Matthew 26:38, Jesus says, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Jesus Himself had sorrow and I don't know about you but I don't know of anyone who was more of a Christian than Jesus.
It took a while but I realized all of these feelings of fear and shame, they were all lies. They were lies derived from the enemy to keep me down. These feelings that I couldn't tell anyone were exactly how Satan wanted me to feel. He wanted to keep me in my secluded bubble of shame because outside of that bubble was where I found freedom. And when I decided to trust in Jesus instead of listening to the lies of the enemy, chains were broken! That doesn't mean that I no longer felt depressed but it does mean that Jesus was right there with me to make it a lot easier to deal with, along with friends and family who gave me complete support when I told them.
So yes, I am a Christian and yes, I deal with depression and yes, that is okay. If you're struggling with anxiety or depression, don't listen to the lies of the enemy because you are unbelievably loved, you can tell someone, and you can be set free.
