Recently, I was in an extremely dark place. Everything I did and everything I was felt very meaningless. I was so tired of the cycle of the things—everything feeling, looking, tasting the same. I would look in the mirror or at photos of myself, and become literally panicked because I felt extremely insufficient of any kind of love. It felt like I took a turn into a dark tunnel, and I was never going to escape to the light at the end. I genuinely felt as if from that point forward my life was only going to gradually decline into a life of more and more brokenness that I have worked so hard to avoid.
These things happen in life: subtle or not so subtle. They add up to bring us this feeling of, "why am I even living?" I understand. I've been there... too many times. I personally have always experienced extreme pain within my family relationships—or lack there of—and the loneliness that comes along with distance and being misunderstood. It is extremely difficult. I often feel very alone—very misinterpreted. I have been stuck in this endless cycle of feeling insecure and helpless. This on top of unexpected brokenness in my friendships left me this inescapable feeling of simply wanting to run away. I was still the same Chloe most people knew, but I just didn't feel like the Chloe I knew anymore. Recently, I've decided to let go of the brokenness. I have decided to do everything in my power to escape the feeling of aloneness and pain.
I have decided to choose joy.
The thing is, you don't just say "I'm gonna choose to be happy." Everyone wants to be happy, but it takes action, it takes sacrifice and it even takes pain. Yet, minor changes to your everyday can move mountains in your identity. Personally, I let go of the constant longing to please others by being someone I wasn't. Whether that meant holding back on who I was, or taking unhealthy pride in who I was—I gave it up. I put my entire self on the table, letting anyone love it and anyone insult it. The results were beautiful.
The thing is, people desire rawness more than anything. When you're open, honest and unapologetic, it's incredible how much easier genuine love comes your way, rather than accepting false and broken love from those who in reality don't know a single thing about you. I feel so full knowing the incredible people that I have the honor to be loved by love me for me. It dissolves a lot of unnecessary insecurity and creates a relationship that is real, vulnerable and lasting. I also started taking time to point to the cross daily—handing God my hurts, my hopes and my praises. Because in reality, life will never be without hardship, and I am weak. When I love, or dream or create out of solely who I am, I am broken, exhausted and bland. My hardship means nothing. My dreams are superficial. My joy is temporary. But when it comes from Jesus, I am limitless, and so are you.
This isn't a pity post. It isn't an attempt to convert you. It's simply a reminder to take care of yourself: your body, your mind and your soul. Whether that means removing bad, or clinging onto incredible friendships, reading, praying, exercising, journaling or going to bed on time. Do what you have to do to let go of the brokenness and insecurity and let in the love and dreams that you are so worthy of.
Small changes seem insignificant, but they are endlessly powerful. It won't come easy: there will always be hardship, but it is when you refuse to let it win that you allow something beautiful to come from it. You're going to go through it, so why not move mountains and change lives from the perseverance? Why not reach the light at the end of the tunnel? Take action, make a plan, stay hopeful.
You are an incredible arrangement of cells, bones and muscles, and you are worth it. No matter what you've done, where you're at, or where you're going: you are worthy of beautiful things and a beautiful life.
I am happy, because I am constantly working for it. Good things take trial and perseverance. You and I are one of those things.
