Last week, I drove as fast as I could, quite aimlessly with tears streaming down my face, as they seem to do this time of year. I sang "Hey There Delilah" at the top of my lungs (one of the few secular songs my Mom loved) and blasted Jim Croce, wishing I could hear her mess up the words to "Time In A Bottle" one more time. It's May, a time of year that is met with a great deal of sadness. A month when I'm reminded that my Mother is gone for Mother's Day and an even more painful reminder in the same week, of when she was diagnosed on my birthday. Even though the years fly by, it seems as though facing it doesn't get any easier.
When the pain resurfaces and this time of year rolls around, I'm reminded of my choice, and the decision I made with God to have joy. But each year, I'm reminded that it doesn't just happen automatically.
I write about joy a lot, and quite frankly, I don't always feel it. I have to work for it and it's not easy. I can experience moments, days, weeks, and sometimes even months with deep contentment and joy, but when the pain resurfaces, I have to choose joy all over again. I've had to learn, each year, that a joy-filled life is a choice and I have to keep choosing that every day. I've learned that I find joy when I come to the end of myself, of my own strength and ability. It's when I choose to cling to the cross, the gospel and the love that my God has for me. It's when I'm broken down, hopeless, falling on my knees in desperation, trying to make sense of life, that I find true joy. It's in weakness that I find strength. It's in utter hopelessness that I find dependency and when I'm dependent, I find joy from the only one that can heal my brokenness, my wounds and scars.
Joy is a choice and I've had to learn that all over again, especially recently. Choosing joy is to choose hope, and hope is to trust that there is a perfect Father, weaving a perfect story out of your life, one that is going to be beautiful. Choosing joy is to say that God is the only one who can satisfy the holes in your life. It's to see that laughter and joy can be birthed out of the deepest pain. It's knowing that feeling pain is not a sign of weakness and wrestling is met with the open arms of Jesus.
Start to learn how to choose joy, because pain is temporary. Choosing joy allows you to see things you may have never seen and helps you recognize that God is the only one to pull you through. Learn that in pain, we often see God most clearly, and through that we find joy.
