I question my place a lot.

Are the moments that I feel carefree and weightless too fleeting to be considered a state of being? Is striving for happiness a pointless desire?

I imagine where I’m at now and where I want to be. It’s this hazy mirage, a roll of film with light leaks that stains my vision.

My goals are feelings; they’re a point of emotional maturity I hope to reach at each stage of my life. In 10 years, I don’t see myself in a certain job or place; I dream of independence and trust in myself and my choices.

I search the horizon, keeping my focus on my future. But every few feet lies a hurdle so big, it eclipses the sun. Darkness washes over everything I see, and I lay defeated in the darkness.

For the most part, I understand what I want. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to know that in the short time I am on this earth, I mattered. I added value. I left a mark, even if the only soul that I influenced was my own.

But these blocks in the road- damn, they break you. They unearth your being, strip you of your convictions. They bulldoze through everything you thought you knew, and leave the rebuilding project to you. Avenues of my beliefs have been halted by construction, and I’m still scrambling just to dust the rubble off my clothes.

This reconstruction brings with it doubt so heavy, my knees quake from the weight. I struggle to stay upright, and I question my choices with every sobering step. Should I have taken this path? Is this where I belong? How do I know if I made the right choice?

I feel myself fumbling, and I fall to the ground. Rocks press into my knees and elbows, dirt tinged blood leaks from my wounds. My palms feel raw, and tears snake trails through my dust-coated cheeks.

The thing is, you don’t know. There are tens of thousands of possibilities, potential paths you could’ve taken, minuscule choices that have led you to where you are today, and who you are today. Questioning them doesn’t benefit you, only deteriorates you into a ball of doubt and self-judgement.

I’ve decided to move forward, and have faith in my decisions. I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today without all of the mistakes I’ve made and chances I’ve taken. I want it all, the good and the bad. I choose acceptance. I choose myself.