I first started cheering at the age of seven. Knowing absolutely nothing about anything cheer related, I joined a junior-prep team at a local all star cheer gym. My mom would sum up my first year cheerleading as "hiding in the back the whole time." Despite not knowing anything, I caught on fairly quickly. My stunting ability was progressing nicely and my tumbling started to take off. Before I knew it I was doing back handsprings across my backyard until I ran out of room. I had strength, speed and form. I seemed unstoppable, but, I wasn't.

I can't remember exactly when or how it happened but what I do remember is losing everything. There was no injury, no accident, I just showed up to practice one day and it was all gone. I tried so hard just to throw my tumbling but, I'd always stop before I did it. I didn't understand it, my mom didn't understand it, my coaches tried different methods to bring it back. They first tried to just encourage me but that quickly turned into pressuring me and neither worked. I distinctly remember one private lesson I was told by my coach to either do it or leave, because just standing there wasn't doing anything - I left. It was so long ago that I don't remember how I got my back handspring back that time but I think I was just very determined and the mental block hadn't grown too strong to break through.

I wound up changing cheer gyms and all star teams soon after and I was progressing nicely there. I was able to watch my tumbling build back up and exceed where it was before. I got my punch front, my back tuck, and my layout came soon after...next thing I knew I was throwing round off back handspring, whip, back handspring, layout pretty much on my own. I bet you can guess what happened next, I lost it all...again.

My mom bought me hypnosis tapes to listen to on the way to practice and they started to help, but it eventually fell through and I was blocked. I went to a sports therapist and she used EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) to try to eliminate the block. It was amazing and I started tumbling again. But old habits die hard and I guess being mental was a habit of mine.

I spent years struggling with my mental blocks. It was emotionally draining for me to constantly want to do something and not know why I couldn't. It was hard for my mom to see me in tears after every practice because I just couldn't break this. I was tired of not being able to do what I knew I physically could do, what I wanted to do more than anything. There was some unknown, irrational fear hidden somewhere that just wouldn't leave. I made the tough decision to leave all star cheerleading before my freshman year of high school. I was becoming more and more upset after every practice and I didn't have to keep putting myself through the pressure that came along with all star.

After two years of junior varsity cheer at my high school I chose to stop, I tried out with higher tumbling than I was able to maintain and I was back in a stressful and upsetting situation. I thought for sure that was the end of my cheerleading career but somehow I gravitated back to cheer when I got to college. I don't have the pressure to tumble on this team and I think that's why I'm enjoying it so much now.

I still struggle immensely with my tumbling even after all these years. Tumbling amazes me and I love watching it but it kills me inside to know that I could've been that level five cheerleader if I never developed this irrational monster in my head. If desire could over power the mind, I would be golden because there is nothing I want more in this world than to tumble again. I wish I had taken more videos of my tumbling when I had it because I would love to watch it. It would be like showing myself that I've done it before and I was fine and I could do it again.

I want to stress that developing a mental block does not mean that you are done. There are so many resources for athletes and cheerleaders that develop mental blocks and you just need to find the right one for you. Maybe if I was to return to a therapist I would be able to get my tumbling back but, at this point in my life I feel that I've passed when I really needed it. College is my main focus and I'm cheering for fun. If you have a mental block don't give up, ever! It is not your fault and if you try, you will find your way to overcome it. Believe in yourself and your ability as a cheerleader, never let the mental block bring you down.