Dear Cell-Phone-Obsessed People,

Don't you hate it when you're 50 characters deep in a tweet and you're (for whatever incomprehensible reason) interrupted by a non-avid cell phone user? Don't you wish you could just enjoy some one-on-one time with your vision-killing device in peace? Well, have no fear, for your first-world problems are about to be solved. By following these tips below, I guarantee you will cut your altercations with crazy non-cell phone obsessed users in half, leading to greater quality of cell phone battery life. The breakdown of this process is simple: The less often you bother those crazy people, the less often they will bother you.

Help them, help you. Here are some tips for being a tolerable cell phone user.

1. If you are walking in public and your eyes are glued to your phone, nobody really cares. But if you find that you are more clumsy than normal (i.e. bumping into people), simply remove your eyes from your device for a period of time that is long enough to notice the people around you, and short enough to ensure that you don’t have a stroke from separation anxiety.

2. When you’re in class, if you constantly feel the need to keep your phone face down on your desk as you listen (or don’t listen) to your professor in fear of it getting up and walking away from you or you (heaven forbid) not seeing a text the moment it is delivered, just walk out of the classroom. Leave a note for your professor informing him or her of your disease, Ahole Telephonia, apathy toward all things that do not involve texting, social media and cyberdrama. Walk out with pride, for you have done a good thing in salvaging your classmates from sharing air with a rude, unmotivated human being.

3. If you’re at a restaurant with your friend or significant other and you check your phone or text every few moments like clockwork (or worse, you take photos of your meal to post them on social media and ask your date for an idea for a caption), leave and never speak to the other person again because you both deserve better: you, one less distraction from your precious cell phone and your friend/significant other, one less disrespectful person to entertain (or not entertain).

4. At a movie theater, if you use your phone for more than two minutes throughout the movie, walk out. Regardless of whether or not your phone was on its maximum level of brightness, refer to number two and walk out proudly. However, do not share your disease with your fellow movie-watchers (as you did with your professor) in fear of disrupting them further. Instead, proceed to the snacks counter and buy each of them a large popcorn.

5. When catching up with an old friend, if you find that the texts, tweets and likes that your phone notifies you of are more important than hearing about the life of the friend you’ve missed, delete their number. You’ve spent time apart already, why not see how much longer you two can go without one another before you realize your phone is not nearly as good a companion as a friend.

6. During the early stages of a relationship, if you are desperate for the title of “girlfriend/boyfriend,” so you can brag to others on social media that, despite other opinions, you are worthy of companionship, tell your partner exactly that. If they are insulted by your superficiality and exclaim that the purpose of the title should be for reassurance of commitment, not for bragging to others, you can be happy that you temporarily dated a decent human being. If they find your reason for wanting a title perfectly acceptable, congratulate yourself and your significant other for finding a person who shares the same levels of superficiality and shallowness. *changes status to “in a relationship”* Oh darling, that must be love.

7. If you recognize that you are notoriously guilty for taking part in two or more of the actions listed above, first, find the nearest wall or solid surface; then, raise your arm (the one with the phone, of course) above your head and finally, release your phone from your grasp as aggressively as possible. Repeat steps one to three until the device is unrecognizable.

Important note: Seek immediate counseling if you notice any unusual behavior such as frequent speech impediments (i.e. stuttering, blatant use of LOL or OMG.), shunning by family members and worst of all, rapid death of cell phone battery due to excessive use.