A disclaimer: this article is for those humans who prefer dogs to cats. I take no responsibility for feelings that may be hurt, and I am not looking for someone to convince me that cats are great.

Let’s be honest. There are cat people, and there are dog people. There are clear personality differences between the two, but that’s not my place to comment on. Sure, if you’re a cat person you most likely enjoy dogs as well. But, if you’re a dog person there is a 99.6% chance that you would rather drop kick a cat than hold it. Let’s go over the facts: a dog is cute; a cat is demonic. Dogs want to be your friend; cats slink between your ankles when they want food. Cats don’t play fetch, they usually don’t greet you at the door, they are known to have eaten their owners, they claw and hiss at you, they bring dead animals into the house, oh and they bring DEAD ANIMALS into YOUR house.

I’m not going to lie, my deep-rooted hatred for cats does have a starting point. I’ll tell you a story, but you have to promise never to tell anyone. Lol, sike. This is on the Internet plus everyone should see just how bad cats suck.

Picture this: I was nine, at a sleepover, and everyone else had already gone to bed. It was one of those sleepovers where you aren’t very close with the girls so I couldn’t wake anyone up and make them hang out with me. So I’m lying there, trying to fall asleep, already stressed that I am surrounded by quasi-friends, and the house black cat starts approaching. I had never hated them, but I also was never one to touch a cat because they’re honestly gross.

Anyway, to my horror the cat crawls on my chest; just crept his little paws onto my Lizzie McGuire sleeping shirt and lies there. What the hell is a girl to do? Keep in mind, I’m nine, I have fake friends around me, and the devil of all house pets has just placed himself directly in my line of vision. So I lay there for about an hour until it finally was finished staring at me. Needless to say, I am forever traumatized and will most likely never sleep soundly again.

In conclusion, if a little puppy did that to anyone they would be crying for joy, as opposed to hiding in a closet waiting for their mother to come and save them. Just so we’re all aware, if life takes me down the single, old lady road, I would never get a cat. I would rather have a cockroach in a cage to keep me company.

Cats are for some people. They’re not for me, they're the worst.