We English majors are an interesting breed. The population of English majors can be broken down into a these easily recognizable categories. The categories are not exclusive; there is no strict separation.

For example, I have a little bit of each of these in me, and that’s why people can easily guess that I study English. English is a weird major where everyone feels like they don’t fit in, and yet we’re all kind of the same. I love you all, my little book fiends.

1. The Pretentious A**hole

Every major has some. We have an army of them. And even those who don’t fall into the category, occasionally cross over to that side, even me. There’s going to be one in 90% of English classes. This person will always act like they’re on the professor’s level, engaging in conversation. They typically speak in sentences rich with extensive vocabulary that even they don’t fully understand, so the whole thing just sounds like a mash of syllables. And when they do contribute, they take a really long time to answer as if what they’re saying is really profound, even though it’s probably just a revised version of what the previous person has already said. You’ll find most of these people on the literature track, sometimes on writing, but never on education. They likely have really good grades, but will struggle to survive in the world outside of academia. Confident as hell though.

2. The Hipster Writer

I’m so guilty. These are the people who dress like they spend all their time in indie coffee joints/bars. They probably considered majoring in Art instead of English at some point in time. Don’t be fooled by their trendy glasses; they’ll wear them whether they need them or not. They prefer a satchel over a backpack, but will settle for a backpack if it has a leather aesthetic. Inside that backpack, they’re carrying around a quality moleskin journal for taking notes in using a mock fountain pen. Never ball point. The real broody ones will find spots on campus where they can sneak in a cigarette. They love analyzing/writing poetry. They usually introduce themselves by saying “I’m a writer” even if that’s not their career goal. Their comments in class are sparse, but always profound. A favorite of all the coolest professors.

3. The Tumblr Poetry Girl

The basic b**ch version of the hipster (still guilty). Probably used to write Twilight fanfiction, and either is really proud of it or completely ashamed. There is no in between. She spends her money on Starbucks coffee just to take pictures of the cup sitting on the desk next to her journal. There’s a ton of stickers on the back of her laptop. Most of them are book quotes in really pretty font, or adorable drawings of animals. They’re usually fairly nice people, and give out a lot of comments during writing workshop. The only flaw, frequently refers to that Tumblr poetry as “published writing.” Sweetie, please don’t put that on your resume.

4. Frat/Sorority/Athlete Type

Probably only in this major for the pre-law. I can respect that.

5. The Middle-Aged Person Going Back to School

You can find them never raising their hands during lecture, interrupting class to engage in casual conversation with the professor, and complaining about how the American youth have no communications skills and have ruined the English language. They never bother to turn their phone volume off, no matter how many times it dings.

6. The Still a High Schooler at Heart

DEFINITELY in every major. Can be found either wearing trainers with jeans and a graphic tee, or whatever the hell they want and totally owning it. They either talk really loud even if the class is an 8 a.m., or they sit quietly and say nothing at all. You may think they’re freshman, but don’t be fooled. All their stories are really angsty (me).

7. The Nerd

This person only writes fanfiction for video games and shows from their childhood. Maybe one day they’ll become the famous writer of a sci-fi trilogy. Gets all their class work done, but still makes time for WOW. Brings their Nintendo Switch to school regularly (because I’d rather play Mario Kart than study between classes).

8. The Bullsh*tter

ME AF. Pretty much never reads for class, but gets away with participating by starting their comments with something along the lines of “I’m trying to think through this, but” “This might not make sense, but,” or “I’m looking for words to say this, but” just to save their ass in case their wrong. Ends the sentence with “I don’t know if that makes sense.” Somehow manages to get mostly A’s and does literally everything last minute. Bullsh*tting is a coveted skill that requires mastery and precision. Tread carefully.