I Can't Help But Feel

Today a mentor misgendered me

Not in the regular she/hers format,

No,

The,

Women-Like-You-And-I-Need-To-Be-Strong way

I did not correct her

I did not correct her

I did not correct her

In the moment, I did not correct her

After the fact, I did not correct her

With worn heavy misery, I did not correct her

Out of some anti-god shock scapegrace, I did not correct her

In that moment

Would she have considered me

A weak woman

Or an aggressive radical?

Would she have rejected my strength

Because I reject my womanhood?

I cannot help but feel shame

When I think of the women I do not represent

And the identity I fail to represent

A flag of my own I'm still sewing,

Still carefully crafting-

I currently do not wave any fabrics

I do not wave.

I pause in pretended existence

As to convince myself I'm not really there

I did not correct her

I did not correct her

With locked eye contact, I did not correct her

I did not correct her when I knew I was right

Out of fear of some strange social punishment, I did not correct her

I did not correct her,

And I cannot help but feel pain

I don't want consolation from anyone

I know what

you know

what I'm

supposed to know which

I know

And I don't care about the mapping out of a solution

The problem is too young;

If only I could just give it 100 years

To live in the solutions future generations will carve out

But for now, all is strange

Words are fire

Ears are dumb

I'm a silent storm

In the dawn of women's strength,

I live, hide, survive in the shadows

She tests her newfound might,

Still figuring the measures of her power,

So I anxiously prepare for mental blows

That I cannot help but feel

I feel in ways that transcend Title IX

Who can save me from vulnerability?

I'm lucky it's only vulnerability

Though, the surplus of such

Takes curious tolls

As the social stigma remains,

The moral issue remains

The feeling remains

The remains are feelings

And I cannot help but feel