Tell me. I want to know.
I'm tired of hearing, "You'll know when you know."
I overthink everything and anything, pecking at thoughts until they become crumbs that make up their very own loaves of bread. I never stop thinking or analyzing or wondering what words and actions of others, as well as those of myself, mean. I get so confused and so in my own head.
I am so good at doubting. I am so good at trusting but then also convincing myself my trust is just delusional and based on no foundation. It's just me.
My overthinking allows me to be an emotional, loving, considerate, reflective, and deeply rooted in the world kind of person. I feel everything so intensely. I feel like my heart is in everything.
And now I am giving my full heart to this one guy I am really starting to fall for. But it's scary. I'm so scared because loving comes naturally to me. What if it doesn't for him? What if he isn't the kind of person who would fall in love with me?
I miss him and I want to be with him as much as I can. I tried writing a list the other day of everything I appreciated about him to give to him, and I had to stop myself from writing until my notebook ran out of paper.
He has the best laugh in the world and his eyes hold such sincerity and depth. There's so much to him. He's not someone to easily figure out and for an over-thinker like me, it's both beautiful and beautifully frustrating. I just want to know all his thoughts and be there for him.
I want to love him.
So how do you know? How do you know when you're allowed to start loving? Is it when they show love for you first? Because that can't be too fair either. Why is it so bad for me to be the one to take initiative? Be the one to show the love...
I want to be a constant state of love for the world. I want to radiate love out of each of my pores, my eyes, my heart... Why are romantic relationships any different then?
Shouldn't we all be in love from the start, because this is the person we can see ourselves loving one day and that thought in itself is love? So maybe, by picking and committing to someone, you are already in love. It's just the first phase of this love and with time, you get deeper and deeper. Love just has layers, but we might all be in love already, when we've decided to take off the first one.