People with mental illness hear a plethora of different phrases from people who want to help. I know that they mean well. However, sometimes these phrases can have the opposite effect. Therefore, I thought I would try to discuss some of these common phrases that I hear that can help others when dealing with people with mental illnesses.
"Just Think Happy Thoughts"
First of all, depression, among other mental illnesses, is a disease that I cannot change. Depression is a change in the chemistry of your brain. The ability to "think happy thoughts" is gone. Those chemical reactions do not happen when I am depressed. I cannot force them to occur. They do not happen.
Think of it this way: if you have a bag with four marbles, one is blue, two are red, and one is yellow and I take the yellow one, you no longer have the yellow marble. Telling you to try to pull out a yellow marble does not help you obtain a yellow marble. The yellow marble is gone. You no longer have a yellow marble.
"You Just Need to Change Your Outlook On Life"
Yes, sometimes a radical change in the way you are living your life can help with depression. Does this ultimately always cure mental illness? No. Do you think people with mental illness want to be stuck in a brain that is unresponsive in this way? That does not allow them to feel certain emotions or does not react a certain way? That does not allow them to go to parties, enjoy hobbies, friends, sports, activities? Of course not. A change of outlook can help but it is not always the end-all of mental illness.
"Just Calm Down"
Trust me, my friend, I am trying. But right now my brain just created one hundred and one different ways the next thirty seconds could go horribly wrong. I do not want to think this way. Hello, intrusive thoughts. Even when I try to take deep breaths and try to convince myself that ninety-nine percent of those possibilities are not even plausible, intrusive thoughts burst down my brain-door and try to convince me they are. I am trying to calm down and you are not helping, bud.
I guess what I am trying to say is, do not assume that you have the answers for someone who is dealing with mental illness. In fact, it might be better to assume that you do not have any answers at all. This might be terrifying at first, but if you go up to someone with mental illness and try to tell them how to solve everything, they may shut down. You do not know what they are going through and you do not understand what they are dealing with.
Ask them how to help.
Ask them what you can do for them.
Ask them what they need from you.
Do not wait for them to be in a bad place to ask. When they are in an okay place, ask what you can do for them, what is okay and what is not okay. They know themselves better than you do. They will tell you what they want you to do and what they do not want you to do. This way, when they may have a bad day or week, you know how to help them.
Assuming you know what to do helps no one. If you want to be there for them, be there for them, but in their way.
