He's cool under pressure. He's strong and handsome. He's successful, highly competitive and, as a result, he’s a high achiever in his field. He's ready to work with his hands. He's the king of his domain. He's got a beautiful woman on his arm and he'll fight to keep her if given the chance, but if that should prove futile and the relationship should end, he's got a line of women ready to claw their way into his favor. He's ideal. But he's not my ideal.

Social norms, the result of our patriarchal traditions and inclinations to perpetuate historic gender roles through media and social consequence, dictate that "real" men are in control. They control their emotions, their surroundings and even their women. "Real" men are aggressive and competitive. They get what they want by whatever means they see fit. "Real" men are physically strong, stoic and prideful. A "real" man has had a string of sexual conquests, each one more beautiful than the last, and this is appropriate. The more a man objectifies the women surrounding him, the more women he has slept with, the more prowess and status he has among his peers. He feels entitled to women and demands the validation they afford him.

These qualities are only deemed appropriate when they're embodied by men. As a systemic patriarchy, we use men as the standard to which we relate and compare everyone and everything. The personality traits deemed appropriate and standard to men are not appropriate in women. The woman is the submissive to the man's dominant. The demure to the man’s prideful ways. The purity to the man’s promiscuity. The emotional support to the man’s emotional unavailability. This is perpetuated by social teaching, the media and by the men who fill these roles. Through this process, women become commodities, mere objects to be consumed. These normative stereotypes are enforced on non-conforming persons through bullying and microaggression; the repercussions of not being a “real” man are incredibly damaging.

There's this phrase that comes to my mind when I think about how men view their masculinity in relation to their interpersonal relationships with women; it goes something like, “Nice guys finish last.” Correction: nice guys and jerks finish at the same time.The appearance of kindness is nothing when accompanied by a blatant sense of entitlement to the bodies of females. A woman's value comes from more than her ability to validate you and fill the insecurity you feel regarding how you compare to other men. We, as a society, have to stop equating the objectification and control men feel they need to exert towards women as masculinity. Acts of sexual violence, deemed appropriate by the media and history, are not acts of manhood.

So, be not afraid to deviate from the norm. Be not afraid to receive disapproval from women and men alike for being more feminine. Be not afraid to be thought of as weak or foolish because you don't fit the societal ideal of a "real" man. Be yourself. Own your flaws. Own your masculine and feminine qualities. It’s OK if you don’t fit the stereotypes society has chosen for you and it's also OK if you do.

He's strong, but unafraid to show weakness. He's proud, but understands and admits his faults. He is neither dominant nor submissive, but regards his significant other as an equal. He expresses himself and his emotions without reservation. We should value this man as well, not because I say so, but because all types of gender expression, whether more masculine or feminine, should be valued. All men embody their gender differently but men and boys should not have to struggle to achieve the title of "real." You're all real.