How you take your coffee is a key factor in determining what your personality is like. For instance, when asked how I take my coffee my answer will generally be: "intravenously." This, though false, tells you that I am certifiably insane and should probably be avoided at all costs. In case you were wondering what your order at Starbucks says about you, I've created a short reference for you.
No Foam Latte
You really don’t know what a latte is, so you’re willing to pay $6 for hot milk. But that’s none of my business.
Caramel Macchiato Stirred (or the Upside Down)
Macchiato means marked, which at Starbucks means your milk is marked with espresso. The second you eliminate the art from this drink by stirring it or ordering it upside down, it is evident that you hate your barista. Just do us all a favor and order a vanilla latte.
Dirty Chai Tea Latte
God, you’re so hip. I wish I was as cool as you. When your barista is confused as to what you’re talking about because it’s never been on the actual Starbucks menu, you’ll scoff and say “Chai tea latte with a shot.” You don’t understand that your drink is just about as pretentious as you are.
Skinny Vanilla Latte
I am willing to bet my life savings that you drive a white minivan. You probably don’t actually enjoy the taste of coffee very much, but this gives you all the energy you need whilst still keeping your waist small. Are you ordering skinny lattes because you think you’re fat? You’re not – you could be drinking whole milk if you wanted to.
Cold Brew, No Water
You need to be bouncing off the walls at all times, and you probably don’t understand how badly stomach ulcers hurt. I have been you, please practice self-love.
Brewed Coffee
Ain’t nobody got time for that fancy latte stuff. You want the real deal 100 percent cup of coffee. You probably give people sh*t for ordering “frilly coffees” because you haven’t experienced the wonders of a white mocha. You also think Starbucks sizes are confusing because they absolutely are. On what planet does tall mean small?
Pumpkin Spice Latte
I genuinely have no material for this. Everything that needs to be said about this drink already has been said.
The Pink Drink
High school must be really rough, and fitting in isn’t easy, but with this drink, you know that you can climb up the social ladder. You’re probably not even sure what’s in it, but it definitely looks like something Barbie would drink, so you’ll tell your barista that you want a pink drink even though it’s not on the actual menu. In fact, when your barista asks you how to make it, you’ll look at them as if they’re crazy. Little do you know, people like you are why entire districts run out of coconut milk at once. You probably haven’t tipped someone that makes your coffee once in your life, and it’s likely that you won’t ever, but that’s okay because your drink is the prettiest thing ever. You go.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely satirical and in no way reflects Starbucks or the corporation's employees. Baristas are always happy to make whatever you'd like, I just thought I'd poke some fun.
