For spring break 2016, I traveled with a group to Karmê Chöling, a Shambhalan Buddhist spiritual and meditation center, as part of IUP’s Alternative Spring Break. The program takes groups of students to one of three locations to volunteer and do service projects.
The whole point of the trip is service and helping others, but by the end of break, I started to wonder if I helped the people at Karmê Chöling, or if they helped me more.
Although we were there to serve, we were also deeply immersed into the culture of this small community. Every morning I could look out the window and see a horizon of seemingly endless trees, in 700 acres of Vermont nature.
Being surrounded by all this nature also led to cell phone reception being a luxury. Without the ability to connect to the outside world constantly, we could focus on our tasks, the people around us and ourselves.
We would eat our meals with the community, like one big family, and spend some free time with them as well. Every morning we would begin the day with meditation practice and a lesson. Every night, there was an educational activity planned.
In this particular section of Buddhism, they believe in being kind and compassionate, but also strong - to be open but with a strong back to protect us.
A well respected Buddhist teacher, Ethan Nichtern (who I had the blessing of meeting), described meditation and mindfulness as “going on a date with yourself." In a sense, these practices were meant to get to know your mind and become friends with it.
Our minds aren’t the enemy, he said. The thought just stuck with me and I mulled it over in my head. I realized I would never treat my friends in the way I treat myself most of the time. I would never say the things I say to myself to my friends.
What would it be like to be friends with myself, to actually treat myself with kindness?
Our first morning together, Steve, our volunteer guide, asked us to contemplate what we considered sacred. He gave us journals to write down our thoughts and contemplations throughout the week but otherwise did not bring up this question again.
Steve seemed to always have philosophical thoughts to pull out of nowhere at any point. He called it “giving us his three cents” (because it was more than just two cents). He was always ready to have deep, intellectual discussions.
In fact, most of the community was open to discussing just anything. But Steve seemed to have a passion for discussing ideas and beliefs.
Steve and I were discussing what I wanted out of my future. I explained that, from a young age, I have known that I wanted to dedicate my life to helping others. I have always prided myself on my ability to love the people who are not easy to love and forgive with ease. In my faith, I was taught to extend kindness and compassion to every person.
I believe in loving and caring for others whether they deserve it or not, as I was loved and cared for by my God. Steve mulled it over for a while before speaking and then asked, “So, does that include yourself?”
Simple, really. My faith taught me to love the people that are hard to love. And in my life, the hardest person to love was me. I have always struggled with feeling selfish if I even remotely put myself before others.
My natural habit is to care for others. Which isn’t a bad thing, but constantly putting others before myself (including my own basic needs) is harmful and unloving to myself. But if I focused on myself, tried to be my own friend as Ethan said, I felt selfish.
But that’s the thing -- it isn’t selfish to take care of myself. It isn’t selfish to want to like myself. It isn’t selfish to extend the same love and kindness I am so willing to extend to others to myself. Loving and caring for yourself is the type of selfishness that we all need.
The people at Karmê Chöling showed me the power of self-love at its’ fullest. How can we properly love and be kind to others, if we cannot even extend that to ourselves? When Steve first asked us to consider what we considered sacred, I thought of a wide range of other people and things. I thought of abstract ideas and beliefs.
But on the last night at beautiful Karmê Chöling, Steve said,
Put everything you believe to be sacred, whatever it is, inside a circle. Make it a strong circle. Now, put yourself in the center of that circle. Because you, too, are sacred.
I'm still on the road of actually loving myself, that much is clear. But after spending time in Karmê Chöling, I can proudly say I am farther down that road than I have ever been. Having the realizations that the people of Karmê Chöling brought to my realization lead me to a more wholesome understanding of self-love. Understanding self-love and practicing self-love are not the same -- but it's a start.
Your mind can be your worst enemy or your greatest ally. You deserve the same love and kindness you extend to those around you. And remember, you are sacred.
