I’ve decided to stop walking down memory lane. It isn’t the nice stroll it used to be, where we’d walk hand in hand and laugh about when we first met, or the early stages of our relationship.
“Remember our first date? I brought my dinner over to your apartment because I had just got out of work. But I was too nervous to finish eating.”
“Nervous? You? Do you remember me? I broke a brand new wine glass because I was fumbling through my cabinets while trying to get you a glass of water. We spent the time picking up tiny shards of glass as I avoided your gaze. I was mortified.”
We’d laugh, admiring how far we’ve come since that night in December.
But that’s not how it is anymore. Now, it’s actually annoying. The constant nagging reminders in everyday life, places and things that once made me so happy because they made me think of you, don’t make me happy anymore. I used to smile when I thought of you, but now, it just hurts. Now, memory lane is darker and lonelier; there’s broken glass everywhere and for some reason, I’m not wearing any shoes.
It’s really nothing against you. I don’t hate you; quite the opposite, actually. However, I need to push you out, because you don’t belong there anymore. No matter how badly I wish you did, you don’t and that’s because you didn’t want to be there anymore. That’s just how it is and it is okay because people change their minds, and feelings change. You fall in love; you fall out of love. That’s life.
I’m pushing you out of my head. It’s hard, but I’m doing it. I want to think of you less and less every day. I’m distracting myself; I’m making new friends and creating new memories because I deserve to be happy.
One day, I think I’ll be able to look back and smile. We had a lot of really amazing times, and that’s why this hurts so much, that’s why this is so hard, and that’s why I’m crying as I write this. It hurts to know that you might never be in my life again, because I don’t know if I could ever just be friends with you.
Anyone who has ever gone through a breakup has gone through this phase. Not only are you reminded of the other person often, but you may also find yourself ready to create new memories with the person out of habit or reflex, only to realize you can’t do that anymore.
I got a new job, and you were the first one I wanted to call. I made article of the week, and I wanted to gush to you about how thrilled I was. I got into an accident, and even though I was fine, I wanted to call you and cry because the woman was so mean and yelled at me and I knew you’d say something to make me feel better or laugh. Reaching out to you is an impulse.
One day you won’t be a reflex anymore. I won’t have the urge to jump to call you or text you when something of significance happens. Once I get past that, it’ll get easier and finding normalcy in every day life that has no connection to you will happen. One day, I'll finish picking up all of this broken glass and I'll be okay.
