A Brief Visualization of My Depression
Health and Wellness

A Brief Visualization of My Depression

An exercise in picturing emotions.

Shaun David Hutchinson

What does your depression look like?

The dictionary definition of "Depression" is: a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.

Yep. I could end this here, because depression envelopes every one of us at some point in time. For me, it generally began when I was 8 or 10. As an adult I have magnified emotions. As a child, my emotions were still the same size, but in a body half the size. I am just now learning to balance my emotions and it is the hardest thing I've done. 15 years ago I was realizing how different it was that I was so emotional. Over time I became emotionally cognizant of the vast differences between myself and my peers. This is good at times. When I am happy, I'm unbelievably happy. When I'm excited I try to control myself but end up not being able to do so, and I stop caring that I look like a moron who is excited that an original 1973 Plymouth 'Cuda with a Six Pack Hemi just rolled up to In-N-Out Burger.

When I'm depressed... Well... It's gotten better. Initially it was just a cloud of despondency that enveloped me and made me feel worthless and as if the world was against me. Within the past few months I've begun to get better at visualizing my depression. This tactic has helped tremendously, and I highly recommend it. I see My Depression as a small shadow cloud, roughly the size of a Pomeranian, following me and sometimes nipping at my feet and ankles. It waits for the moment I let my guard down and then bites. Sometimes it just brushes my ankle with it's teeth, and I'll have that moment of doubt that reminds me that I've been in a similar situation that didn't end well, and that the same outcome is probably going to happen again. When this happens, I can brush it off. Just kind of kick this stupid shadow cloud away, and move on. Other times it's not easy. Sometimes its timing is perfect.

When this happens, when this stupid little shadow cloud times its attack perfectly, it sinks its teeth directly into my spinal cord. As the venom from this thing that was once of negligible size permeates my nervous system, it replaces all joy and positivity with doubt, self-loathing, guilt, inadequacy and terror. It is the worst transfusion in the world and it feels as if it will destroy you from the inside out. If you want to hear what depression sounds like? Listen to If I Had A Heart by Fever Ray. It's haunting, beautiful and the music video holds more darkness than anyone needs in one day.

I'm going to stop here though. I don't want to perseverate upon the negative because I don't know what readers are going through. But if the reader happens to be going through a tough time just know that there are thousands of other people feeling similarly. Not exactly how you are feeling. Nobody can, or will. But similarly. Let them listen.

Remember just one thing. It may feel overwhelming, and it may feel impossible to beat, and though you may say that nobody can help you, You are wrong. http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aLQgWVM_700b_v3.jpg

Trust me. I've been doing this for a while.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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