I have recently experienced a breakup, and I thought what a better way to express my feelings than write about it?
Breaking up sucks, there is no easier way around it. It can make you feel that whatever time you put in the relationship was a waste. That there could have been something better that you could have been doing during that time. It’s a feeling that only goes away with time. I just keep telling myself that it will be okay. The time was not wasted because it was a learning experience.
I have never been in a real relationship before, and I definitely have never been in love before. So this was a first time. When it is your first you have the tendency to get so excited, and forget about the world around you. I honestly never pictured myself with anyone else, and only saw my future with him. So when everything ended, I felt as if my world had come to a screeching halt. All of a sudden I didn’t see couples as sweet and endearing, I started being cynical and viewing them as annoying. The things I once found joy in, really didn’t hold my attention. The things we used to enjoy together, I can’t even bring myself to think about. I know it has only been a week, but I can’t imagine feeling this way any longer.
I don’t blame him for breaking up, and I refuse to ever say anything bad about him. My mama taught me better, and I love myself too much to sink into that negativity. However, I also refuse to bring up any good things right now. Because it sucks reminding me of all of the things that I lost. The first day after we broke I started crying at work when someone ordered a Chicken Fried Steak, all because it reminded me of all of the dates we had gone on and that was his usual order. Granted, the guys at my table felt bad when I explained and they tipped me well. But I still felt like an idiot.
Why do I have to be the one crying and missing him? Why do I get the short end of the stick? It just isn’t fair. It isn’t fair when you give your all to someone, and it feels like it wasn’t good enough. It isn’t fair that now I question myself. What did I do wrong? Was there anything I could have done better? Am I just not good enough? Off the top of my head, I can give you the answers to these, that there wasn’t anything I did and I am fine. However, when I start to really think about it, I really start doubting myself.
Breaking up sucks because I feel as if there isn’t a real manual to get you through this. I googled many times about ‘How to deal with a breakup’, and nothing has helped me yet. I have gotten countless advice from friends and family, but it doesn’t really help. I know they mean well, but I have to find my way of handling these things. I don’t expect myself to be fine anytime soon, but it is all apart from the small progress I can make. Like finally being able to watch something that we did, or going to places we used to go to. Until then, I guess I have a lot of avoiding to do.
And if he is reading this, well I am sorry. I want him to know that I wish nothing but the best, and I hope he does exceedingly well at everything. And if you are experiencing a breakup, just don’t expect things to feel magical all of a sudden. It takes time. It’s been a week and there are times when I still feel as if all of my air just got knocked out of my lungs. But like I said, it is all about the small progress you set up, that makes a difference.