I lost myself, the day I forgot who I was in Jesus. I lost myself when I would no longer sing praises or even worse when I would not speak to Him. I lost myself when I forgot to listen to words of wisdom from my mother. I lost myself when I forgot where I had come from and how hard I had to work to get there. I lost myself when I believed that having a man would give me peace. I lost myself when I believed money would give me happiness -- when in fact, it makes you empty. I lost myself when I thought I could do all things alone when in fact I can't.
You could say I caught myself in a crossroads.
I caught myself wrapped around in my ego and pride, that I forgot to look at those who have helped me reach my dreams. I caught myself because I heard the cry of my mother telling me to wake up and see that the friends whom I believed were true, just happened to be the ones blocking my path. I caught myself smiling to please others and not from true happiness. I caught myself allowing others to step on me. I caught myself because I knew I was lost and the saddest part is that for a while, I did not know I was. I had blinded myself with the "make-believe", that I had forgotten about the reality.
I am not ashamed to say that I was honestly and sincerely, wrong.
I was wrong because I felt it. I felt the emptiness, that only God can fill. I guess you could say this is my testimony. I was lost and was found. I was broken and then, fixed up again. I was dead and then, risen up once again. I never said perfect, yet made aware that I was not alone in my walk. I still have a lot to learn, and I may fall again and stumble, yet I know I am not alone.
It hurts to be wrong and to admit one is, yet how can one wake up if one does not see one is wrong?
I am grateful God is not done with me yet, because I know I still have a lot of polishing to do. I am grateful because I have my family to help me. I am grateful because I know I have accomplished far more than many. I am grateful for having the opportunity to be an older sister. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful because at least I have food on my table and a roof over my head. I am grateful because I have an education. I am grateful because I have a small circle of true friends. I am grateful because I was born in a humble home. I am grateful for what I have, because even though I had to work three times as much and not being born from the "silver platter", where not everything was given easily to me; I learned to become who I am.
A woman who will not easily fail or crumble down. A woman who knows what she wants for herself. A woman who will not easily settle just because of what's expected. A woman who fights when injustice arises. A woman who will not easily be shut down or told to be a "silent" figure.
I guess I don't fit society's "mold" of what is considered to be in their eyes, Rosemarie. Because in reality, who I am is not a "mold", primly made ahead of time to cast yet, it's an ever-changing process of transfiguration.
Therefore, I rise and no longer allow society or in fact, others define who I am.
RISE. I tell you. RISE.
