For the first time in my nineteen years of existence, I have a boyfriend. He is sweet, intelligent, kind, and slightly more awkward (okay, a lot more awkward) than the average human. And while I am incredibly grateful to have him in my life, I have noticed a common, but still strange phenomenon when people, mostly peers and friends, learn of his existence.
When the people in my life learn that I have a boyfriend, they light up. Dead inside and lifeless they have been when hearing of my actual accomplishments, such as jobs or scholarships or grades or acceptance letters. But when they hear that someone finds me, cat lady extraordinaire, attractive, they glow. Illuminated they are from this news, and their illustrious glow is always, always accompanied by the catchphrase “I am so happy for you.”
I appreciate that the people in my life are happy for me, I really do. However, this comment is always said as if now that I have a romantic partner, my life can finally begin, as I have stumbled upon the rare path to joy and enlightenment. So, my question for the week is this: why is having a boyfriend considered such an accomplishment?
The first reason that I am able to discern stems from our culture, which values romantic relationships above all other types of relationships. Books, movies, music, television, and basically all other forms of media make it seem like one’s life is incomplete if they do not have a partner. Instead of focusing of loving yourself, our society places emphasis on developing a nearly codependent relationship with another person. This depiction of romance is inherently unhealthy, but still encouraged.
The second, and more extensive reason that I have been able to find, is less pleasant, as it deals with the sexism of everyday life. As a woman in patriarchal society, part of my worth is derived from if men find me attractive or not. Having a boyfriend verifies that at least one person finds me attractive, and thus everyone in my life can breathe a sigh of relief. The patriarchy has deemed me worthy of acknowledgment.
Additionally, I have observed that women are not considered to be entire individuals if they do not find love. A woman can be smart, accomplished, successful, and confident, but all of that will be dismissed if she is single. It will be perceived as if something is wrong with her because she does not have a partner. Men do not have this problem. Men can still be considered whole human beings with complex personalities and traits with full, rich lives without having a partner. A man who is alone is an oddity, while a woman who is alone is a social aberration, a spinster, an old maid, bitter, off-putting, or too picky.
I have seen so many girls gratuitously tote the fact that they are no longer single. This is not just the girly, whimsical happiness of infatuation. It’s a vicious sort of gloating, as if they have won a competition that you were not aware you are competing in. Their self worth is inextricably tied to the fact that they have somebody. Having a boyfriend, or any kind of partner, does not make you more happy or successful in the game of life. It is not an accomplishment, it is just a facet of who you are.
I promise that you are still a complete and interesting person without someone who displays romantic interest in you. Your worth should never be determined by your relationship status, whatever it may be.
