It's not specifically the relationship that ended, it was everything that ended with it. My relationship with your family, our mutual friends, and the way I saw every place we shared a memory, ended. Every feeling was still there for me but they sat in my heart in a way that ached for them to be released. Instead of me being able to allow those feelings to move about freely and escape my mouth like a raindrop falling softly from a cloud, just as it's supposed to, the feelings tugged at my hear, begging me to let them escape and disappear into the world. Something I struggle to allow myself to do.
How do you let everything that flourished between us run wild into the world of 7 billion people trying to find the exact feelings we made happen? How do you just give that up and let it go without looking back?
Not only did I lose you, I lost the sense of security I had when I was with you. Not the type of security I had when your arms were wrapped around me in bed at night after a long day, although I lost that too, but the security that my happiness would be guarded and kept safe. No matter where we were in the world, together or apart, we were working towards the same things and sharing the journey with each other, or so I thought. The security of the family and house we had always talked about would remain a goal to work towards for all things to come. A house I wanted to turn into a home, our home.
The kids I imagined running across the floor into daddy's arms are not kids I recognize in my own head anymore. I hoped they would have your bright blue eyes, dimpled chin, and cute little nose. But now as I sit here writing this I feel numb to the idea. I can hear feet hitting the floor and the echo of silence screaming inside of an empty house. Not a peep of laughter. Not a smile to be shown.
Learning how to smile at another man or simply look at one hurts me to even think about. I look for you. I look for you in everyone I meet. I look for the glimmer in your eyes that you used to have when you looked at me. I look for that sweet smile that warmed me from the inside out. I look for the way the few hairs fell gently against your forehead, fighting their way to freedom against the force of your hand pushing them all back. I close my eyes and try to feel the calm excitement that entered the room when you did, but I find nothing.
I find nothing because when we started to subtly fall apart, I held on to the idea of you, not the you that was standing in front of me. So I can't say losing you didn’t hurt, but it hurt more to have any idea of my future torn down for a period of time leaving me lost and confused in the world. The world spun in circles around me as I stood still, nothing seemed to be clear. Looking back, that was never a relationship that would have lasted. Built on top of a crumbled foundation of problems and bad decisions freshman year, neither of us was ready to pursue anything bigger than the dorm we met in. We tried to take on the world to prove a point but it simply couldn’t be done and we both paid a price for it.
But as time goes on I can hear the tiny feet running across the floor. I see the smiles stretch across their faces through reflections of the big windows that lead to the abundance of trees in the backyard. I can feel the love that is built into the house that flourishes each and every day. I can feel the love as my children jump into someone's arms in the room next door, giggling their hearts out with a pure and joyful spirit. I can feel the love of the man who picks up his pride and joy in the form of innocent children. Maybe those arms they are jumping into are yours and maybe they're not, but I will be happy even if you're not there. Your decision was to leave and my decision is to continue to build my future even if I'm building it single-handedly.
If you were to come back, my guard will always be up with you in fear that you will walk away once more, but you are always welcome in my life. I will not beg you to stay like I did the day you decided to drop my heart on the floor but I will not dismiss you either. I will not remain angry and I will not continue to ask questions and try to understand your decision because I understand that it wasn't about me, it was about you. Just like my future is about me, not us. I have people to love, people to be loved by, and goals to accomplish. Your decision to leave will never hold me back from that.
