The Terror of Working Out

Hot people. That's probably my favorite part of going to the gym. All the guys with their shirts that show all their rippling muscles underneath. And when they lift those weights you can easily tell that they do this regularly.

And the fit girls on the treadmill. They run at a pace I couldn't even hope up. I see them on their covered in sweat for an hour or more. Beautiful and comfortable enough in their bodies that they can consistently post about their workouts on social media. Those are the girls I aspire to be like.

Funny thing is they are also my least favorite part about going to the gym. I love to admire their commitment (and sexy bodies), but I also feel so much envy that it's almost hatred.

I wish so badly I could be like them. I want to go to the gym every day and be super committed to taking care of myself, too! I want to be able to wear a crop top in public without worrying about what others think. Most of all, I want to be strong and fit.

There's really nothing stopping me for attaining that. There's no physical barrier between me and the recreation center on campus. I have a bike that can get me there. And if that fails, I'm walking distance from campus. My legs work. So why don't I go?

My body. When I think about my weight, I try not to use the word fat because I like to use more positive self-talk. But when I step into the gym, my mind immediately goes to thinking about how heavy I look. I think about my double chin and how my thighs practically smother each other and how my arm fat ripples when I run. I feel myself automatically sucking in my belly and my face burning when I look at all the pretty girls.

Society plays a big roll in this embarrassment I feel. All over the place, I see images of gorgeous swimsuit models and athletes with their toned muscles. I can't even go to the store without being reminded of my size - there are mannequins with full breasts and skinny waists. I feel like a lazy cat basking in the sun compared to the thin, dainty girls I see walking all over the place.

Even when I go on vacation to be with my family I feel like I'm being judged. They're careful to never outright say that I'm fat, but it's definitely the subtext in nearly every conversation. "Are you sure you want to have cereal for breakfast? We thought about taking you on a hike today. Your cousin has a volleyball game tonight. Have you heard about this new weight loss vitamin?" I feel like their version of healthy is being shoved down my throat at times.

Others may call it irrational or stupid, but I am extremely self-conscious of my weight. I've been told over and over that I look great or that I'm not fat, and I try to believe it. But when I go to the gym and am constantly surrounded by better-looking people it's really hard to keep that positive self-talk going.

"Why don't you work out at home?" I live in an apartment. I'm not sure how my neighbors would feel about jumping jacks on the floor. I also don't have a whole lot of space in my apartment. I know I'm making up excuses at this point, and they aren't good ones. At the same time though, I often feel that there's no point of even trying because I'll never be as attractive as those girls at the gym.

It's an ongoing battle for me to go to the gym. I try to do some form of good exercise once a week and eat healthy in between. I know this isn't enough to really lose weight, but I'm not at a place in my life right now to focus on that. I'm a full-time student and work a part-time job. I'll be satisfied with not gaining weight at this point. I'll get my dream body someday. Until then, I'm going to work hard to get good grades and make the connections that will help me land my dream job.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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