Growing up, family and friends would look at my body and tell me I looked like a prima ballerina, and my long legs and tiny waist must make me a great dancer. Their assumptions relied on appearance, and to any outsider, I suppose I do look like your average Giselle or Odette.
What they didnāt, or rather couldnāt, understand, was that my body was my enemy. I didnāt have the natural flexibility that many of my friends had, or the turnout in my hips that ballet required. Although I was naturally skinny, the leotard and tights I wore to class did not flatter the light layer of fat over my stomach. To any non-dancer, I had an ideal body shape, but compared to my dance peers, I felt unshapely and out of place.
For the majority of my dance training, I didnāt have to look at myself in the mirror, since the studio I started at did not have any. So, when I came to San Jose State University to major in dance, I received a major shock when I saw mirrors covering every wall of the studios. For the first few weeks of class, I couldnāt focus on my dancing, as I could only see what was wrong with my body staring back at me. I was not alone. A fellow dance major, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, āYou have to consistently look at yourself in the mirror in order to make sure your alignment is correct. But in the process, it is hard not to become over critical of your body shape, especially when there may be other dancers in the room whose body shapes seem more ideal.ā It's hard for the criticism we give ourselves as dancers to be constructive rather than destructive.
The beautiful ballerinas that I idolized as a child were all tall and slender, and I couldnāt help but think to myself, why donāt I look like that? Looking at other dancersā body types compared to my own raises the question: What is an ideal dancerās body? The answer is simple: whatever body you have is an ideal dancerās body. All bodies can do different things, some better than others. What I lack in flexibility I make up for in determination and passion. Soon enough, I began to feel pride in the things my body was capable of despite not being built for dance.
Although I still struggle with staring at myself in the mirror, I remind myself to take a step back and give myself some credit for all that I can do, and to not focus on what I canāt. I had to work very hard to get to the point I am now, and Iām not about to let a mirror tell me Iām not good enough.
