Today I’m going shopping with a friend. The reason why I have anxiety about this is because she runs on a different food schedule than I do. Meaning, she usually has a big breakfast and then doesn’t feel the need to eat until dinnertime. Whereas I, need to eat every 2.5-3 hours and my stomach is really good at letting me know it’s empty. Not that I get hangry per se, but I get very sluggish and tunnel vision-y. It becomes Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs in which I physically cannot focus on the jeans I’m about to try on and how could I when a basic need is not being met and I need a shake or a Questbar more than I EVER NEEDED A PAIR OF JEANS! my entire stomach has teamed up with my brain as they scream in unison; MY GOD WOMAN IT’S BEEN TWO HOURS AND IF YOU KEEP THIS HUNGER SHIT UP I’LL MAKE YOU SHAKE SO HARD YOU CAN’T WORK A ZIPPER, DON’T EVEN!

Then comes the anxiety, do I really want to be THAT friend, the one who is always hungry? Who makes everyone stop everything because she needs to eat?

Originally posted by yourreactiongifs

Of course I don’t! Has this particular friend ever made me feel like I was bugging her because I made her stop at the food court so I can stuff my face with half a chicken and exactly a cup and a half of broccoli? Of course not! She’s the one next to me saying “I’ll go get a falafel and a table I’ll find you when you’re done.” She’s great like that! Seriously, I lucked out. Nevertheless, it’s my stupid brain giving me the rundown of how the day’s going to go for me:

Originally posted by misfittedsoul

^ Behold my life.

It’s why I’m trying to meal prep as I wait for her to come by my house, it’s why I know how to make my lunch, AND my breakfast simultaneously, it’s why I feel awkward at restaurants because it’s always a huge monologue for my order. I feel like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally and every time I do that I can feel the waiter and everyone else at our table, including myself, wanting me dead. “Okay here's what is going to happen, can I get Vinaigrette instead of Ranch and on the side please? Sorry, Can I get broccoli instead of fries and is there any way we can grill the chicken instead of fry it? Yes, I can taste the difference, so sorry. Also no mushrooms I'm just allergic."

This friend in particular, has never, not even once, made a single comment about anything I eat healthy or otherwise. And for that, I thank her endlessly. She helps me maintain and deal with my ever-changing relationship with food. But for her sake, I can still fight back tears when I shop for jeans, and when I do this, it’s usually done online or I buy makeup compulsively. Makeup doesn’t get too loose on me in a month, I don’t have to worry about getting a lipstick over my quads like skinny jeans.

The whole point of this post: anxiety and body struggles are a part of life. The idea is to have a good support system around you that makes you feel what you really are; strong, tough, and beautiful. After awhile, you will start to believe you are.