How my body made dating hard.
Start writing a post

I Had To Learn To Love My Body Before I Could Confidently Date

They just wanted to experience intimacy with a bigger girl. Just so that they could say they did it.

I Had To Learn To Love My Body Before I Could Confidently Date
Personal Picture

I have always been insecure about my body.

I hated seeing a roll here and there and cellulite on my thighs. So when I went on dates I always felt so insecure with guys looking at me. As usual, the guys would sit directly in front of me when we would go eat. Like yikes, they're seeing the scars on my face. They're seeing my thin hair. They're seeing my stomach overlap in my lap. They're seeing my double chin every time I looked down.

Then I always thought that they rather be on a date with someone else. Someone skinny, pretty and blonde. I guess this is one reason I pushed them away after a few dates, I didn't feel good enough. I wasn't confident in myself. And I always thought the compliments were said just because they thought that's what I wanted to hear. Like if I tell her she looks good then she'll be more open to sleeping with me.

I thought, maybe I am just here for sexual gratification. That my only purpose was to be this sex object that didn't look like the others. I thought they just wanted to experience intimacy with a bigger girl. Just so that they could say they did it.

I thought they would turn around and make fun of me to their friends. I slept with a pig.

Yeah they would tell me my body is sexy, thick, soft and curvy. But the only thing I was seeing is…. fat. When I was intimate with someone, I would grab the blankets so fast to cover myself afterward. I would always tell them I wanted to keep my shirt on. Just so they couldn't see my stomach.

I didn't want them to see me. Because I thought I was bigger than I actually was.

Those thoughts pondered in my head for the longest time. It made me feel empty. So what did I do? Well at first I just continued to meet these people over and over again. Like yes, I know I am here just for your gratification there's nothing special about me. So I ended up thinking I was worthless for the longest time. And that no one would actually want to ever date a big girl. Then I started to think every guy was the same. I questioned the intentions with everyone I met. Like "he's too handsome to actually like me" so I wouldn't expect anything further. This is one of the few reasons I didn't want to settle down with anyone for the longest time. Granted I know deep down there were good guys, who told me I was beautiful and perfect, but I didn't want to believe them. They asked if I wanted to date, I said no. Over and over again.

No, they wanted a petite girl to show off to their friends, families, and society. How am I going to look next to this fit person? I didn't want society saying "oh I wonder why he's dating that girl," "wow they're so different," "hm maybe she has a good personality," or "that's an odd couple" it was these things they made me reject affection. Pure affection not driven by sexuality.

One day it hit me, I started to like this one guy a lot. And he made me feel undeniably beautiful. His words to me made me feel wanted. He made me feel good enough. He believed I was, I just had to believe it. I looked at the mirror and weighed myself every day soon realizing that was unhealthy so I stopped and rather than downing myself I started to love myself. I admired how thick my thighs were. How tan my skin was. How curvy I was. Appreciating myself. This isn't to say you should wait for a guy to tell you-you are beautiful because, in the end, you have the choice to believe it.

I was blaming my body for all my problems but that wasn't the issue, it was fear itself that was the issue. Fear of abandonment and rejection. Once I erased that I started to feel beautiful again.

To all those girls who don't think a guy/girl wants their body type, you're wrong. To all those girls who don't think they're beautiful you're wrong. To all those girls who pick up every flaw in their body, stop.

Love your body, your curves and the small imperfections because you have to want yourself first. You need to respect yourself. You need to love yourself before someone else can.

Report this Content

In an already unprecedented political landscape, things aren't looking so bright for mail-in voters heading into November's election. In 46 states and Washington D.C., post offices received a warning that mail-in ballots may not be counted on time to count on election day, according to a report by the Washington Post.

Keep Reading... Show less

"New Girl" is one of the best sitcoms of all time. Honestly, it is so much fun to watch, so much fun to relate to, just all around a great show.

Not only is a great show, it has so many different great settings, obviously including the loft. If you live by Nick Miller quotes and desperately tried to learn how to play "True American," you need to buy these things because you are a true "New Girl" fan.

Keep Reading... Show less

You know those items you've been pinning to your Home board on Pinterest for [insert amount of time]? Well, it's officially the moment to turn that wishlist into a married life reality, and it's going to be SO fun.

But, before you get to shopping and adding things to your upgraded bridal wishlist (sorry, Pinterest, it was lovely while it lasted), you'll first want to decide where you want to open your registry (or registries, if you want options). Here are 17 of the best websites and stores to consider saying "I do" to for your wedding registry, to have and to hold for as long as people are buying you wedding gifts.

Keep Reading... Show less

If you've ever been in the dating game, or currently are, chances are you've had a date gone wrong. These are often times super embarrassing, but they are always funny to look back on.

Keep Reading... Show less

I just recently got engaged and planning a wedding during a pandemic is actually kind of a nightmare.

A lot of venues are taken for 2021 because of corona brides and grooms who have had to reschedule their weddings and the same goes for other vendors and literally everything else.

Keep Reading... Show less

While promoting her most recent movie, "Work It," Sabrina Carpenter has divulged some of her favorite beauty products to interviewers.

Keep Reading... Show less

When I say we can't stop thinking about the relationship advice Miley Cyrus dropped on "Call Her Daddy" today, I mean it literally.

Her truth bombs hit me (and most who listened) like a wrecking ball and coupled with the release of her new song "Midnight Sky," we're going to need some time to process the greatness. In case you haven't listened yet (what are you waiting for?), here are 10 relationship tips Miley shared that we should all live by for the rest of time.

Keep Reading... Show less

Founders Of Color: Rec Room's Dre Taylor On What Blackness Can Look Like And Not Working For Free

"It mattered to me that when we were depicting racial diversity for Rec Room, we showed the broad spectrum of what Blackness can look like."

Rec Room

The world of sustainable fashion is inundated with marketing gimmicks, false advertising, and large corporations cutting corners — Rec Room is the pure antithesis of that.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 At-Home Therapy Tips You Need, No Matter What Your Therapy Routine Is

Whether you're in a Zoom session or live-chatting, make sure your home therapy space is good to go.

No matter what stigmas you held about therapy before this year, I'm sure 2020 has affirmed that we could ALL use a nice long therapy session. Between wildfires that took over an entire continent, a global health crisis, and what's sure to be one giant circus of an election in the United States, we need help and we need it now.

The fact of the matter is, therapy has been a helpful, valid resource long before the world decided to become one giant dumpster fire. Having a safe space to discuss what's going on in your life, worries you have, and struggles you're facing has become a very normal thing for individuals' mental health.

Keep Reading... Show less

Dunkin' just announced that they'll be releasing their fall menu earlier than ever — set to debut on August 19 — and that it'll include new menu options this season, including a new signature pumpkin spice latte. Let me just say, Starbucks has some fall-menu competition now.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments