I have always been insecure about my body.
I hated seeing a roll here and there and cellulite on my thighs. So when I went on dates I always felt so insecure with guys looking at me. As usual, the guys would sit directly in front of me when we would go eat. Like yikes, they're seeing the scars on my face. They're seeing my thin hair. They're seeing my stomach overlap in my lap. They're seeing my double chin every time I looked down.
Then I always thought that they rather be on a date with someone else. Someone skinny, pretty and blonde. I guess this is one reason I pushed them away after a few dates, I didn't feel good enough. I wasn't confident in myself. And I always thought the compliments were said just because they thought that's what I wanted to hear. Like if I tell her she looks good then she'll be more open to sleeping with me.
I thought, maybe I am just here for sexual gratification. That my only purpose was to be this sex object that didn't look like the others. I thought they just wanted to experience intimacy with a bigger girl. Just so that they could say they did it.
I thought they would turn around and make fun of me to their friends. I slept with a pig.
Yeah they would tell me my body is sexy, thick, soft and curvy. But the only thing I was seeing is…. fat. When I was intimate with someone, I would grab the blankets so fast to cover myself afterward. I would always tell them I wanted to keep my shirt on. Just so they couldn't see my stomach.
I didn't want them to see me. Because I thought I was bigger than I actually was.
Those thoughts pondered in my head for the longest time. It made me feel empty. So what did I do? Well at first I just continued to meet these people over and over again. Like yes, I know I am here just for your gratification there's nothing special about me. So I ended up thinking I was worthless for the longest time. And that no one would actually want to ever date a big girl. Then I started to think every guy was the same. I questioned the intentions with everyone I met. Like "he's too handsome to actually like me" so I wouldn't expect anything further. This is one of the few reasons I didn't want to settle down with anyone for the longest time. Granted I know deep down there were good guys, who told me I was beautiful and perfect, but I didn't want to believe them. They asked if I wanted to date, I said no. Over and over again.
No, they wanted a petite girl to show off to their friends, families, and society. How am I going to look next to this fit person? I didn't want society saying "oh I wonder why he's dating that girl," "wow they're so different," "hm maybe she has a good personality," or "that's an odd couple" it was these things they made me reject affection. Pure affection not driven by sexuality.
One day it hit me, I started to like this one guy a lot. And he made me feel undeniably beautiful. His words to me made me feel wanted. He made me feel good enough. He believed I was, I just had to believe it. I looked at the mirror and weighed myself every day soon realizing that was unhealthy so I stopped and rather than downing myself I started to love myself. I admired how thick my thighs were. How tan my skin was. How curvy I was. Appreciating myself. This isn't to say you should wait for a guy to tell you-you are beautiful because, in the end, you have the choice to believe it.
I was blaming my body for all my problems but that wasn't the issue, it was fear itself that was the issue. Fear of abandonment and rejection. Once I erased that I started to feel beautiful again.
To all those girls who don't think a guy/girl wants their body type, you're wrong. To all those girls who don't think they're beautiful you're wrong. To all those girls who pick up every flaw in their body, stop.
Love your body, your curves and the small imperfections because you have to want yourself first. You need to respect yourself. You need to love yourself before someone else can.