This is an article about depression, abuse, and suicide. In this article, I attempt to show by example how we should follow God when we are also suffering from depression. I want you to know that you're not alone in your depression. Depression is a mental illness and it is more common than many people think.
Lord,
I first want to say that I am humbled that you chose me to serve you. I am not a perfect person and I accept that. I have my own demons that keep me up at night and keep me from trusting you with my whole heart. How can I trust you when I can't even trust myself? The biggest barrier in my relationship with you, Lord, is learning how to trust you with my whole heart. It isn't easy to trust when I have had my heart broken and my trust betrayed over and over again.
One of the first things I learned about you was that you are a Father to the fatherless. Coming from a broken home and a broken childhood, that was not something I was used to. My earthly father was not and is not as supportive and loving as You are, Lord. Whereas my earthly father cared little about me as a baby, even at that point in my life, you protected me, Lord. You protected me from my father's crushing blows to my mother's body when I could have died to the injuries my mother had. I use this story to glorify how You worked in my life, even before I came to know you and serve you.
You loved me when my parents divorced when I was three. One of the hardest parts about dealing with divorce is seeing other parents with their children happy and together. I wanted that so much growing up. I wanted to be loved growing up without being a tension point in my parents' marriage. I wanted my parents to show by example how to love your spouse in a marriage, so I could use it when you bless me with a wife someday.
But, unfortunately, that is not how my life worked. I choose to believe that I suffered so much as a child for a reason, Lord. Even through repeated abuse in my life through other family members, you protected me and you picked me up from the dirt that was my past, brushed me off and strengthened me to keep going, even when I didn't feel like going on. I have contemplated suicide many times and there were times where I came close to ending it all.
Thank you, Lord for stopping me and showing me that life is worth living. If you never saved me, I would never be there to experience the love of my young nieces. I would never be there to support them and be a person they could talk to besides their parents. If you never saved me, Lord, I would have never felt the love from the friends I have gained in the last couple of months. Lord, I thank you for my friends. Through them, you have shown me unconditional love, a love I never deserved, but because of your mercy, gave me anyway.
Lord, I thank you for this life. I didn't always have it easy, and sometimes I still don't, but Lord, I love this life I have now. You are so awesome, Lord and praises will forever be coming out of my mouth to you, Lord.
I love you Lord and I know You love me too.
Love your son and your humble servant.
