Life is hard. You know what makes it even more tough? Living with chronic b*tch face (CBF). This condition is so debilitating that I have decided to chronicle the 10 things everyone who suffers from CBF experiences. Who better to help me than the queen of CBF herself, Blair Waldorf?
1. “When I first met you, I thought you were a b*tch.”
I get it, my face is less than welcoming and now that we’re friends you think it’s cool to tell me that when you first met me, you thought I was the wicked witch of the west. Why can’t you just lie and tell me that when you first met me you thought I was hilariously funny and devilishly good looking?
2. Somebody asks you if you’re mad at them at least once a day.
No, I’m not mad at you. This is just my face.
3. You always look unamused. Even when you are very amused.
Your body may be saying, “Justin Bieber concert,” but your face will always say, “Taking an economics midterm.”
4. Anna Wintour is your spirit animal.
Because she makes your b*tch face look like a straight up smiley face.
5. You are never approached by people who are tabling on campus.
Nobody on campus is going to stop you to ask if you’ve voted, are registered to vote, would like to sign a petition or if you want to join the dance club. Nobody.
6. You have to practice smiling before you get your photo taken.
Sitting in front of a mirror and practicing your most natural smile can be a daunting task.
7. The word “judgmental” is thrown at you on the daily.
(Judgmental is code for b*tch.)
8. You make people visibly uncomfortable in section by glancing at them.
You may be very interested in what the girl behind you just said in section, but by staring at her, you just gave her mad anxiety.
9. Your parents thought that this was just part of a teenage phase, but this is actually just your face.
You’re 20 and your face is still as sour as can be. Sorry Mom and Dad.
10. Your face could get you out of jury duty.
Your face reads, “I have no mercy.” Nobody wants you on jury duty.
