The year is 2008. Facebook is on the rise, YouTube is slowly becoming a Thing, and no one could stop talking about the Jonas Brothers. It's November, and I watch as my parents hustle around Costco, buying up every deal and pushing me aside in the shopping cart to make room for the turkey. I remember the ride home, surrounded by gigantic rolls of toilet paper, packs of fried onions, and the sense of excitement for the upcoming holiday.
The day comes, we have a feast laid out, and seeing as how we had just moved to Southern California, there was only one other family in the vicinity that could make it to Thanksgiving dinner without having to drive an excess 300 miles. My mom had toiled since the morning on the food, and my dad had stocked the fridge with Heineken while also fiddling with the karaoke machine. Around three hours before the designated Thanksgiving Dinner Time, we got a phone call.
"Hey, we're so sorry but we don't think we'll be able to make it tonight. We're at J.C. Penny right now and there's a really good deal on winter boots so we're probably going to wait it out. Save us some leftovers!"
The crushing disappointment on my parent's face sealed the deal for me. Black Friday was the scum of the earth.
"Black Friday", even the name was vile. Who's idea was it to follow such a nice sounding holiday like "Thanksgiving", a beautiful day with slightly dubious origins that nevertheless celebrated being thankful for what you have, with an event so sinister sounding that it might as well have come from a Halloween movie? Black Friday. There have been deaths on Black Friday. 10 so far, and 11 injuries counting.
All for what? A TV that's 50$ cheaper? A Cuisine Art Mixer for 25% off? You don't even bake that often Karen, don't delude yourself. Worst of all are the people who are literally stabbing other people for a frickin parking spot. Go on any other day and that Walmart parking lot would be empty and all yours- go on Black Friday? Get impaled.
Okay, maybe I understand in the dark years without Amazon, or Ebay, or TaoBao, or whatever, there was a kind of draw to Black Friday. It was like Christmas but for adults. You had to buy your own presents, whatever but now, in the age of cyber shopping and one-day deliveries, I don't understand it anymore. They even have a thing called Cyber Monday! And I just got a notification from Amazon that they'd be having "Black Friday" all week next week.
So, this Thanksgiving, resist the urge to pack up your car with camping supplies and travel the exotic location of Macy's to sit out in the cold for 42$ off a portable grill and enjoy the holiday inside, in the warmth, surrounded by food as it should be. And if only if, you're full and happy and fat, and you feel a slight twitch to shop for a 12 pack of cotton Nike socks, pick up your phone or computer, and go to town. You've earned it.