So, this morning, I was hanging out with the Beastie Boys. We're sitting in a smokey circle on these ratty ass couches, wearing our Adidas, while we're drinking, we're stinking, we've never been thinking, when I float out the question, "What is the worst thing anyone ever said to you?" We go around the room each telling our tales, and laughing at our collective pain, then some chick gets up. She runs out of the room, and down the hallway, crying. Apparently, she was Mike D's girlfriend, and he, after running down the hall after her, came back empty handed. So, as is my ilk, I try to cheer him up. You know, trying to give him advice, and what not. In my drunken awkwardness I call him MCA, who is not Mike D, and as the room goes silent I'm all like, "Oh shit. That's not your name," and I start a bumbling apology. Luckily they laugh it off easily, and then AD Rock starts riff rapping off of my "sorry." He starts moving the words around till they sound right. No, not right, QUITE DOPE!!! Then a buzzer goes off! We all look around. Is there a fire? No! Then why can't you see we are creating genius here?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?! Who set the fucking alarm?

Oh yeah, I did, because, mic check 1, 2, REALITY! It's now 7:30 a.m. and I'm late for work!

S,o instead of being a muse for a great rap group I am suddenly transformed into the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland (though I am discombobulated enough to be more of the Jefferson Airplane kind) and am running around my tiny apartment scaring my cats while yelling, "Oh my fur and whiskers, I'm late. I'm late! I'm late!" Fortunately, I have a secret for pulling oneself together for days like these when getting out the door quickly is the main priority.

HYGIENE, HYGIENE, HYGIENE!!! This means brush your fucking teeth, comb your fucking hair and roll on some fucking deodorant, maybe some fucking perfume, and do it fucking fast! You're fucking late! You're late! You're late! You're late! Get dressed, cuz, duh, you don't want to find yourself in the real life nightmare of being naked in a math test or whatever.

Though, just a question- do people really have reoccurring naked dreams? Mine are always more of the "I'm trying to stave off getting murdered kind." The kind where I'm self-defense stabbing some omniscient predator, and while I keep running away he always finds me. Then when he finds me I stab him! Again! I keep stabbing him! ALL OF THE BLOOD!!!! And he just won't die! We just keep slashing away at each other till I wake up.

Horrifying, right?

One time, to try to get perspective on this, I went to this dream seminar where this woman was teaching us how to interpret our dreams. People were sharing theirs, and they were all pretty benign stuff like. "I'm in a boat in the middle of the lake where I met my dead great aunt Pat, and we had dinner, blah, blah, blah." The kind of shit that apparently haunts middle-aged, white, hippie women's dreams/waking life. I finally stew up the courage to ask this dream interpreter about mine, and after, the whole room went silent. She legit had nothing to say to me except I must be under some stress!?!? You went on for 10 minutes about being in the middle of a calm lake in a boat, and that's all you can give me? Come the fuck on!

Anyways! Once you are at our destination and no longer, LATE! You just need to have a few things on hand, in your purse, or at your desk, when you get to your destination to make your face, your face!

Eye brightener! I use TonyMoly's Panda's Dream Brightening Eye Base. It makes you look pert! Engaging even! Just make sure to properly blend it out so you don't have weird white streaks.

Mascara! Just a coat or two! Whichever one you want! Pops those pennies off of those dead Irish eyes!

Lip color! But an easy Lip Color! Did you know there are lip colors that adjust to your lips/body heat to chemically change, like a mood ring, to give you your best shade? IPKN's Twinkle Lips is a great tool for this! It's you putting in the effort, but chemically natural!

Eyes and Lips are basically the "Armpits, Asshole, Crotch and Teeth," of the beauty world, therefore the bare minimum of effort that will not give off the impression that you suck at adulting! You will seem refreshed and alert, and not like you ran out the door in a frenzy! Go forth and seize the day! Carpe Denim, and, what not! Also remember to set your alarm for the actual time you want to get up because this shit sucks!

Addendum to this party! I Googled Beastie Boys and Dreams and YouTube gave me this Gem... Coincidence or not?

P.P.S. I don't get paid for any of these endorsements. I wish, but alas I don't.